


What I Like About You

by camichats



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Voldemort, Breaking Up & Making Up, Collars, Comfort, Communication, Daddy Kink, Dirty Talk, Dom Sirius Black, Dom/sub, Established James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Eventual Happy Ending, Explicit Sexual Content, Getting Together, Indian James Potter, Jealousy, Kink Exploration, Kink Negotiation, Love Confessions, Multi, Open Relationships, Pining, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Relationship Negotiation, Scene Gone Wrong, Sexual Roleplay, Spanking, Sub Lily Evans, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:33:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 29,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28464639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/camichats/pseuds/camichats
Summary: James and Lily are happily married. However, when she wants to try a few kinks, James suggests she look for a new partner. Sirius was the obvious choice, and for a while, things were good. After Lily spends so much time with him instead of James, it creates some issues in their relationship. They get a happy ending, but it wasn't easy to reach.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/James Potter/Lily Evans Potter
Comments: 14
Kudos: 52





	1. Strange Beginnings

James loved Lily. From the bottom of his heart and with every fiber of his being, he loved her. It's why he didn't freak out when she said that she wasn't entirely happy with their sex life. 

"And I don't mean that in a bad way," she hurried to say. 

"No offense, Lils," James said with a small smile, "but how is that not a bad thing? I thought we'd figured out how to be happy with our sex life before we got married." 

"I love you, and I love what we do together," she said, gripping his hand tightly. 

"But?" he prodded. 

Lily swallowed. "But I- I'd like to try... more." 

"More?" He didn't know what 'more' meant. 

"Yeah. You know, erm, kink. Restraints. Things like that. I _love_ you, James. I'm not trying to say that I'm unhappy with you, because I'm not. I'm so unbelievably happy with you and what our life is, but there are things I want to try-- things I want to _do_ , and I'd love to do them with you, but only if you want to too." 

James would do anything for Lily. "We can give it a try. I think. What kind of things were you thinking?" 

"Nothing too big," she said immediately. "We can talk about a few different things to see what you might be comfortable with before we ever try something." 

"Right, but what were you thinking? It kind of sounds like you already had a few ideas." 

"Not specific ideas," she admitted with a twist of her mouth. 

"Then what?" When she hesitated, James added, "I'm not trying to grill you for answers, love. I just want to get an idea of where your head's at. You're not happy with our sex life? Okay. What about it isn't appealing? What ideas do you have to make it better? If you want to talk about it and figure this out, then let's talk." 

Lily's grip on his hand tightened, but this time it was for her own peace of mind and not a desperate bid to make James stay in his seat to listen to her. "Alright," she said after a moment. "That's- erm, reasonable." She licked her lips before responding. "I want to be... submissive." 

"You do?" James asked, frowning. He never would've guessed. Lily sure as hell never _acted_ like that was something she wanted. 

"Not all the time or for everything, but- y'know, in bed, sometimes. Might be nice." 

"Okay." He had no idea how to go about that. "Er. How would we accomplish that?" 

Lily shifted in her seat. "I've got a few ideas." 

"Alright, let's hear it." 

She bit down on her lip. James waited patiently for her to be ready, but after a minute, she shook her head. "I'm- I'm sorry, can we talk about this some other time?" 

"Of course," James said. He got out of his chair and leaned over to give her a quick kiss. 

* * *

"I'm sorry," James said. He'd tried. Lily had managed to tell him what she wanted, and he'd tried to give it to her. When the time came though, he couldn't do it. Not the way she wanted, and definitely not enough to make her happy. He'd tried a little harder to push it, but it made him feel sick to his stomach and couldn't go through with it. 

"It's okay," Lily said. 

He knew that it wasn't and shook his head. "I'm sorry. I know how hard it was for you to ask me, and-" He shook his head again. 

Lily wrapped her arms around him and leaned her head against his shoulder. He hadn't noticed that he was shaking until she did that. "It's okay, James. I told you, it's okay." 

"But you-" 

"Nope. But nothing. We tried it, and it didn't work." She pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. "I'm sorry that I pushed you that hard. That you felt like you couldn't say no sooner." 

"You didn't push me into anything," James argued. 

"I don't believe that," she said quietly. She moved her head and kissed the corner of his mouth. "But thank you for trying. You have no idea how much I love you, you know that?" 

"I've got a pretty good idea." 

* * *

James loved Lily more than he knew how to put words to, and it's why he was able to notice the growing unrest in her and come up with a solution without feeling jealous or otherwise upset about it. "Can I talk to you about something?" 

Something in his voice must have let her know that it was a serious topic, because she responded with a tone that reflected his own. "Sure. What is it?" 

"What you want in bed. I think that you should see if you can find someone who can give it to you." 

"I- _what?"_ Lily asked, clearly shocked. "I'm not going to cheat on you!" 

"I don't see how it would be cheating if I'm encouraging you to do it. I'm not talking about you dating someone else; I'm talking about something just physical. To... scratch the itch, so to speak. When you want to have sex like that, you let me know, and you go out and take care of it." 

She blinked at him. Her mouth opened then closed again. "James," she whispered. 

"This isn't me being self-sacrificing, if that's what you're worried about. I know you love me, and I love you just as much. I trust you, so it's not like you'd be sneaking around behind my back or summat." 

"I get all that-- well, now I do-- but I'm worried about… trying to find someone. I asked you not only because we're partners, but because I trust you. I don't want to try any of that with someone I don't know. I wouldn't be able to relax, and I don't think I'd enjoy it at all." She put a hand on his shoulder and smiled tremulously. "Thank you so much for the offer, but I'm fine." 

"No offense, Lils, but I didn't offer purely out of the goodness of my heart. You're more tightly wound these days, and I think it's because you're not getting the physical release that you need. I just think you should take some time to think about it instead of dismissing it right now. Weigh the pros and cons and see how you feel about it when you're not so surprised. Okay?" 

She gave a small nod. 

"Thank you," James said, then kissed her cheek. 

* * *

"The fun has arrived!" Sirius yelled as he entered their flat. 

Lily laughed and came out from the kitchen to give him a hug. "Sirius! How was your trip?" 

"Good if you're into the whole bright sunshine, beautiful beaches thing." 

"So, wonderful?" she asked, stepping back with amusement written all over her face. 

"Eh," Sirius said. "How wonderful can anything be without you or James there? Where is my beloved best mate?" He peered down the hallway. 

"He's picking up a bottle of white wine for you. He meant to go before now, but he sort of lost track of time." 

Sirius tsked as he pulled off his boots. "Yeah, he never was very good with dates that weren't about you or Quidditch." 

"I think you mean _with_ me," Lily corrected. "He never showed up late, but he was ill-prepared at times." She glanced at the floo then back to him. "It's gonna be a while before he gets back; he just left. Can I talk to you about something personal?" James had made his position on the topic clear, but Lily needed to talk to someone new about it to get a different perspective. Tossing it around in her own head hadn't done any good, and she didn't want to ask anyone else about this because it was much more than her friends were comfortable hearing about James. Sirius though, probably knew more about James than she did, and she knew that Sirius was the one that had given James advice on sex for their relationship in the first place. He was the perfect person to talk to about this, but she couldn't drop it on him with no warning. 

"Sure," Sirius said. He hung up his jacket and padded to the kitchen. Whether he was looking for food or something to drink, she didn't know. 

She followed him, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear. 

"You and James okay?" he asked. 

"Yeah, we're fine. Well. Mostly. That's kind of what this is about." She sighed, not knowing how to start, and Sirius grabbed a tin of biscuits from the cupboard. He hopped up on the counter and started munching on them. "I wanted to try a few new things in bed, and James agreed but in the end, it didn't work out. Not compatible, you know?" 

Sirius nodded. He was so easy to talk to. She wished that he'd been here from the beginning for this; maybe it would've been easy to deal with instead of the bumpy road that she now found herself on. 

"James suggested that I find someone else to... help me with it." 

"And you don't want to?" 

"I don't know," she said honestly. "I keep thinking about it, but I don't really know how I feel." 

"Well, what sort of things are you wanting?" 

And that was another reason she loved Sirius. He asked because he wanted to get a better view of the situation, not out of some perverse interest. "I wanted to erm be submissive? Like. _Really_ submissive. James tried to be dominant, but I think it sort of freaked him out. He's not used to that with me, you know?" 

Sirius nodded, nibbling on another biscuit. "I can bring you to a club, if you need help finding someone. If that was the issue, I mean," he added. "If it's being with anyone other than James that's tripping you up, I can't do anything about that." 

"What do you mean a club?" 

"Hm?" Sirius asked guilelessly. "Like, a BDSM club." 

Lily blinked at him. Her heart beat rapidly in her chest, and she didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. "There's a club for that?" 

"Several in London. All Muggle, of course, but I figure that's a good thing. No one there would recognise you." 

Lily had trouble putting words together, but eventually she managed to say, "You go there?" 

"Yeah." 

"You've never mentioned." 

Sirius gave a wry smile. "As involved as I am in your sex life, you're not similarly involved in mine." 

"So are you- I mean, y'know- submissive too?" 

"Other direction," he said, winking at her. 

"Oh," she said, more of a breath than a word. That knowledge did more to her heart than she thought it would. More than it should have. Maybe it was just the knowledge that there was an entire community out there that she hadn't known about-- one that one of her best friends could help her navigate, if she asked. And she wanted to ask. There were possibilities out there for her, and it wasn't just theoretical anymore. She might have to ask James if he was truly okay with her having sex with someone else. "Would you bring me there some night?" 

"Sure," Sirius said easily. He held the tin out to her in offering. "Biscuit?" 

"I don't want to spoil my appetite, unlike _some_ people." 

He shrugged, grabbed one more, and put the tin back in the cupboard. "I've a big enough stomach to handle both. We bringing James with us on our little excursion?" 

Lily thought of the way he hadn't been able to stop shaking when he hadn't done anything, and she shook her head. "I'll talk to him about it, and if he wants to come, he can. To be honest, I don't think he'll be interested in the slightest, and with you there, I doubt he'll be worried." 

"It's a muggle club; nothing would happen to you there that you couldn't deal with." 

"You know how James gets." 

Sirius snorted. "Merlin, do I. You should be glad his attention is split between the two of us. I could barely handle it when it was just me." 

"As I recall, you didn't mind," Lily said with a smirk. "Attached at the hip and loving every second of it." 

Sirius shrugged, unrepentant. "Maybe so." 

* * *

Lily had talked to James about the club Sirius mentioned, and as expected, he was fine with it. Happy, even. It honestly looked like he was happy for her. Happy that she not only knew what she wanted, but was comfortable enough to try and find it. She was so nervous and excited that she felt like she could run a few kilometers and not be tired at the end of it. She had this energy in her that she didn't really know how to deal with. She was at Sirius's flat before they went out. He helped just by being there, but he couldn't fix everything. 

"What're you planning on wearing?" he asked. 

"Erm. This?" 

"No offense Lils, but I think that's a mistake. Yeah, you'll be comfortable, and if that's the most important thing to you, then that's fine." 

She looked down at her outfit. They weren't club clothes to be sure, but, "I'm not planning on finding someone _tonight."_ She needed to get used to the idea before she could actually accept someone in that way. 

"Yeah, but your outfit is still going to say something. It's a kink club. It's not like everyone is going to see you wearing comfortable clothes and think that it means you aren't interested. They're going to think that you're making a statement about your personal preferences." 

"So what would you suggest?" 

Sirius grinned. "I'm so glad you asked." He nodded towards his room, and Lily followed him. 

Obviously her trousers couldn't be changed, but she agreed to wear one of Sirius's shirts. 'Shirt' was a generous term. It used to be one in a past life, but he'd cut off the sleeves and halfway down the torso of it. On her, her bra was partially visible. The collar had been cut off to be looser, but it wasn't low enough to be revealing. "You sure this is enough?" 

"You'll fit in a bit better," Sirius said with a shrug. 

"I'm a bit nervous about this." 

"You can wear your old shirt, I just thought-" 

"No, not that." 

Sirius cocked his head. "Then what?" 

"I don't really want people to... proposition me. And what if they say something they think is obvious but I don't catch it? I don't want to lead anyone on." 

"It's not that bad," Sirius said. "Yeah most people go there with the intent to find a partner, but it's not a sodding free-for-all. You tell someone to back off and they will, same as a normal club." 

Lily made a face. "I dunno. Can't we pretend I'm your girlfriend or something?" It was hardly a new idea for them, although they hadn't used it since her and James got married. 

"We could," Sirius said. He didn't say 'but', but Lily saw it in his expression clearly enough. 

"But?" she prompted. 

"But nothing," he said innocently. It wasn't exactly a fake innocence, but she didn't like it. She didn't like when Sirius kept things from her-- maybe James had been rubbing off on her more than she knew. 

"Whatever you're thinking, I wish you would just say it." 

"You're not going to like it," he warned. 

"Say it anyways." 

"I was thinking that I have a collar you could wear, and that would be more likely for people to leave you alone than just saying you're taken once they approach you." 

If it had been anyone else telling her that-- in any other way-- she would've considered hexing them. But it was Sirius, and he knew that she already leaned the way of liking that sort of thing, so she said, "Can I see it before agreeing?" 

"Sure." Sirius got on his knees and reached under his bed. He pulled out a bin, and she expected for him to open it and hand it over, but then he put it back and pulled out a different one. She thought about the implications of that without really meaning to. How many things did Sirius have stashed under his bed for when he had partners? Was it just the two bins, or were there more? The nosy part of her wanted to sit down next to him and peek inside-- maybe ask about what was in the other bin and see for herself what was inside. 

She managed to hold herself back from doing any of those things, and Sirius pulled out a thick black leather collar and held it out to her. Lily accepted it, rubbing her thumbs against the surface as she inspected it. It wasn't brand new; it had seen some use, but it wasn't worn either. The idea of wearing a collar while getting fucked was definitely something she was interested in, but wearing one out and about? Although, it wouldn't be 'out and about'. It would be to go to a club where everyone else understood the appeal. 

"Alright," she said, then brought it up to her neck to buckle it. It only took a few seconds for her to realise that she couldn't do it by herself. Not easily, at least. "Erm. Can you help me?" 

"Yeah," Sirius said, getting to his feet. "It wasn't really designed for someone to put it on themself." His fingers moved efficiently, and when he dropped his hands back to his side, she saw that it was snug but not too tight. 

"You've got a lot of practice with that." 

"I thought you didn't want to know all about my sex life." 

"Consider my interest piqued," Lily said, but she didn't push it. She held her arms out to the side to show off her new look. "Good?" 

"If it were up to me, your hair would be a ponytail." 

Under usual circumstances, Lily would've rolled her eyes and told him that if he liked ponytails so much, he could do it to his own hair. Instead, she pulled out a hairband and tied it back. "Better?" 

"Perfect," Sirius said, but there was a slight frown on his face. 

"Something wrong?" 

"It's nothing," he said, wiping his face clean with a grin. "Let's get going." 

They left for the club, apparating a few blocks away and walking the rest of the distance. 

"No need to be nervous, love," he said after paying the cover charge for both of them. "We'll have a couple drinks, and you can take a look around. You can ask me questions if you want, or you can think about it." He shrugged. "Makes no difference to me." 

It only occurred to Lily now, as they walked into this club together with Sirius's collar around her neck, that both Sirius and James called her love. No one else did. She'd never really thought about it before. Lily folded her arms in front of her and leaned on them when they got to the bar, and Sirius put an arm around her shoulders as he stood next to her. 

"What would you like to drink?" 

"Anything that can calm my nerves," she said. She wanted to look at everyone around them at the same time that she wanted to keep her eyes to her damn self. 

"That sounds like an excuse to order you a bourbon and watch you suffer." 

Lily poked him in the side, but Sirius just laughed. It drew a little bit of attention; Sirius always drew attention wherever he went, no matter what he did. His laugh was loud and full of joy, and he was the most fit person Lily had ever met in real life. She took the opportunity to give a quick perusal of the people that had looked over. Another woman wearing a collar caught Lily's eye and winked. She pointed a finger at Sirius and mouthed _'Nice'_ to Lily. 

She blushed a little and leaned into him automatically. Merlin, how long had it been since she was embarrassed? And by someone complimenting Sirius? That was an entirely new experience for her. Sirius didn't seem to notice; he never did, and now was no exception. 

He did, however, notice that she all but clung to him the entire night. It didn't matter how people interacted with them. If people paid attention to Lily, she held onto Sirius like a toddler would with their parents. If people ignored her to say something to Sirius, she'd make it obvious that she was with him. Any time she felt the least bit nervous, she held a little tighter onto him. At first Sirius didn't notice, then he noticed and thought it was a little strange. By the time they left, he'd learned to anticipate her moves to accommodate them. 

They apparated back to his flat, and he sighed. "Well that was useless." 

Lily frowned at him, feeling unusually hurt by the statement. What was going on with her tonight? Everything Sirius did was hitting her like she was fifteen and insecure all over again. "What do you mean?" 

Sirius turned to face her. "I don't know if you're oblivious or if this was some sort of misguided idea on your part. You could've said that you already knew what you wanted, and we could've skipped all that." 

"What are you talking about?" Lily asked, frowning. 

"Ah, so it is oblivious. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but that's a relief." 

"Sirius, what the _hell_ are you talking about?" 

"Did you notice that you weren't very interested in watching anyone there?" 

"Yeah," Lily said with a grimace. Her hand went up to the base of her ponytail, and she dragged her hand down, letting her hair slide through her fingers. "Sorry. I guess it was sort of a waste." 

"I wouldn't go that far." 

Her frown deepened. "What do you mean?" 

Sirius sighed, rubbing his hands over his face. "Okay, I want to preface this by saying that it's not personal and I'm not judging you." 

"Okay," she said slowly. 

"And there's always the chance that I'm wrong, and I'd prefer that you didn't get mad at me if that's the case." 

"Fair enough." 

"You were kind of acting like you want me to be your dom." 

Lily blinked at him, stunned. "I was?" She hadn't _thought_ that's what she was doing. She trusted Sirius, and she had been in an unfamiliar place. It made sense that she'd been leaning on him as her rock. 

"Seemed that way to me." He said it freely, without judgment. One of the many things she appreciated about him. 

"I-" She wanted to deny it, because it sure as hell hadn't been her intention. "What did I do?" she asked, hand coming up to her neck nervously. The last thing she'd wanted was to make him uncomfortable. 

"It wasn't any one thing. Just the way you were acting all night. Or like this," Sirius said. "You're holding onto the collar like it makes you feel better." 

Lily hadn't realised it, but he was right. She'd been holding onto the collar, and she hadn't even realised. Blushing shamefully, she dropped her hand. "Sorry," she muttered. 

"You kept holding onto me and looking to me to make decisions for you. And I don't know if you noticed, but any time I complimented you, your mood picked up." 

"Sorry," she said again. She hadn't noticed _any_ of that, but now that he pointed it out, it was obvious. 

"Merlin, stop apologising. I'm not trying to make you feel bad; I'm pointing it out so that you know what to look for next time. It's the little indicators that let you know if you should try with someone. If you learn how to identify it yourself, then you'll be able to find a partner if you decide to look," Sirius said, pairing it with a small, comforting smile. "Okay?" 

Lily had to swallow before replying. Maybe it was a bad idea and she should've thought about it more before saying anything, but now that the idea was there, she didn't want to shake it. "Why should I keep looking?" 

"Just because your first trip out didn't go the way you wanted is no reason to-" 

"That's not what I meant. I mean... why not you? I want to be submissive, and you're dominant. Tonight proved that I'm wanting to do it with you." 

"Right, but there's more to it than initial interest," Sirius said. "Hell, for all I know, it's just because it was my collar that you were wearing." 

"I doubt that. I mean, obviously I don't know for sure, but I don't think that's what it was. I'm not asking for a lifelong commitment, here. I just want to try it, and who better than you? I was so worried about taking James up on his offer because I didn't think that I'd be able to find someone that I could trust, but, well, you're you so that wouldn't be a problem. You don't have to agree if you don't want to, and I'd need to talk to James and see if he was okay with it even if you _did_ agree." 

Sirius looked at her evenly for a moment. "I'll think about it. You can ask James, and if he says yes, then we'll talk about it again. Agreed?" 

Lily nodded. "I- thank you." She gave a rueful smile. "Sorry about all this. I didn't mean to make you tell me I was interested in you." 

Sirius chuckled. 

"Oh- erm, can you help me with this?" she asked, tugging on the collar. 

"Shite, yeah. Sorry, sort of forgot that I'd need that back." 

"Well," Lily said, swallowing nervously, "maybe someday soon you'll get to put it on me again." 

* * *

James apparated outside Sirius's door and knocked. Usually, he preferred the floo, but he hadn't been home when he decided to pop over and visit. 

Sirius opened the door, then grinned, hugging him. He dragged him inside, then hugged him again. He'd seen him several times since getting back from Greece, but he'd been gone for weeks. He'd missed out on far too many hugs. "Hey, what're you doing here?" 

James hugged him back, taking his sweet time before letting go and answering. "I wanted to talk to you about Lily, actually. If you have the time." 

"I've always got time for my two favourite people," Sirius said. "You want a cuppa?" 

"Only if you've got the good chai again." 

"Who do you take me for?" Sirius asked with a snort. As soon as he'd realised he was out, he'd gone and bought more. He put water in the kettle and set it on the stove. James only heated his tea water magically if he was in a rush. "I take it Lily talked to you?" 

"Yeah." 

"And what did you say?" 

James shrugged. "Told her to go for it if it would make her happy." 

Sirius looked at him for a moment, then shook his head with a smile. "I can't imagine trusting someone as much as you two do." 

"You trust me that much." 

"Yeah, but that's different; we're not married," Sirius said. 

James looked entirely unbothered by the correction. "I can't say it's the easiest thing I've ever done, but it's you, and it's Lily. How could I be bothered by that?" 

"Most people would consider jealousy a pretty big thing to be bothered by." 

"Yeah, I'm not jealous," James said, snorting at the idea like it was absolutely ridiculous. 

"Not that I want you to be," Sirius said, "but why aren't you? Your best mate and your wife shagging? That's most people's worst nightmare." 

"When have we ever been most people? I love both of you so much, and I'm not about to throw that away. Lily was honest with me about what she wanted, and now that I know you can help her with that, why would I be mad about it? As far as I'm concerned, this is the best possible outcome. Besides, some of the stuff she mentioned... at least with you, I know she'll be with someone that cares about her. Some stranger wouldn't be right." 

"I'll never pretend to understand you." 

"Aw, you love me and you know it," James said, pressing a smacking kiss to Sirius's cheek. 

"Of course I do; I'm just saying that it doesn't make sense to anyone else." 

"What about Lily?" 

"Lily doesn't count as 'anyone else'. She's one of us, now." 

"Ah. Well, I'm sure she'll be thrilled to hear that." 

* * *

Lily had sort of thought that, now that they had James's permission and had agreed that it was what both of them wanted, her and Sirius would get right to it. She'd never have guessed that Sirius would be the one insisting that they wait, but he knew more about this stuff. All Lily really had was a vague idea for things that got her hot. She had no idea how to communicate those ideas to someone else, much less how to go about getting it. 

It was smart to talk about it before trying something and getting hurt. That being said, she was more than a little frustrated. "I don't know what you _mean."_ It made her feel slightly better that Sirius was getting frustrated too. He asked what kind of submissive she wanted to be, and she didn't have any sort of answer for it. 

Sirius rubbed his temples. "Okay. We need to simplify this and take it one step at a time because it feels like we're speaking two different languages, love." 

"We can agree on that much," she mumbled. 

He shot a v at her, which she reflected. She had the childish urge to stick her tongue out as well but managed to hold back. "So you want to be a sub." 

"Duh." 

He glared at her. "I love you Lils, but if you keep making this difficult for me, I'm just going to say never mind. I was perfectly happy with the sex I was getting before this." 

She held up her hands in surrender. She knew that she was being a bit of an arse about it, but she'd kind of hoped that he would have all the answers. That he'd say something and she would instantly know that it's what she wanted. It hadn't turned out that way, so she was more confused than ever about what was going on in her head-- and her pants. 

"Do you want me to tell you what to do?" 

"I... think so? What else would it be?" 

"Might be that you want to be taken care of." 

"James takes care of me just fine." 

"I don't doubt it, but that's different." 

Lily chewed on her lip. "I think it's. Erm. The first one." 

"See? We're making progress already." 

"Yeah," Lily said with a nervous, barely there laugh. 

Sirius looked at her for a moment, then said, "You know that everything we talk about is private, right? It's not like I'm gonna go around and tell someone what you like." 

"I know," she said immediately. "It's just. Weird. Saying it aloud. I've thought about it enough to know that I'm interested, but even saying the basics to James had me freaked. Talking to you about it makes it real, you know?" 

"Yeah, but there's nothing to be nervous about. We're talking about it right now, and then we're going to talk some more, and if we're on the same page, _then_ we're going to do it. We're not rushing into anything. There's plenty of time for you to back out or figure out exactly what it is you want." 

Lily hadn't realised that his confidence would be her greatest comfort some day. It used to annoy the shite out of her. Of course, back then, she hadn't liked James in the slightest either, so it wasn't the best comparison to make-- not now that she couldn't imagine life without either of them. 

"So you want to be told what to do. Do you want to be called a specific name during that?" 

"Like what?" she asked, nose wrinkling. 

"Some people get off on the more derogatory names. Insults, basically. Slut, whore, et cetera. Other people like the pet names-- baby, sweetheart, stuff like that." 

"Definitely not the insults. I-" She was about to say that she didn't think she'd like the pet names either, but then she thought about it, and the answer was different than what she'd expected. "Pet names might be nice, but I don't know." 

"It's okay; we can try a few different things and see what you like best." He took a deep breath, looking slightly discomfited as he said, "Are you wanting to call me anything specific?" 

"Like what? Like... pet names for you, too?" 

He looked even more uncomfortable. It was the first time that he'd looked like that since they started talking, and Lily didn't like the feeling of it. At _all._

"If it's making you uncomfortable, we don't have to talk about it." 

"It's not that," he said, but he didn't relax. "I just feel like asking you if you want to call me 'sir' is going to make you pissed." 

Lily didn't get mad, though she did get confused. "Why would I call you 'sir'?" 

"Some people are into that. When you get into subs who like being told what to do, it gets more common." When that didn't clear anything up for her, Sirius said, "It's like, a conversation, not just barking orders at you and expecting for you to listen. I say 'get on your knees', and most people-- in my experience, at least-- like to reply 'yes, sir'. Or master, but that's- a bit deeper than you're wanting to go, I think. Even if you do, it can wait until we're a lot more comfortable with this." 

"So the options are sir or master?" 

"Some people like daddy. I can't say it's my favourite." 

"Well, what do you like?" 

"I normally like sir. But again, that's only if you're _wanting_ to do a reply at all. Some people don't, and there's nothing wrong with that." 

Lily tried to imagine calling Sirius 'sir', but it was hard to position in her brain. Obviously, she'd never do that under normal circumstances, and that's why it was hard for her. She hadn't really thought of how she'd react to her partner, before. "We can try it," she said, because even trying to picture getting on her knees for him wasn't helping her figure it out. 

"Alright," he said, looking relieved that she'd reacted the way she did. She wanted to be a little insulted about that, but one time a professor had tried to force her to be 'more respectful' to him and she'd had half a mind to hex his bollocks off. "We already talked about you liking praise, but I thought I'd check back in. You still want that?" 

Lily nodded. That part had been easy. She wanted to be told what to do, and she wanted to be told that she was doing it well. 

"Cool. The er- next half of that question is: what do you want to happen when you don't listen to what I tell you?" 

"Why would I do that? I thought the whole point was that I _like_ doing what you tell me." 

"Right, but you're a sub. Sometimes it's not about showing up and immediately giving in. Sometimes people like to be put into place. Act a little bratty." He shrugged. "It gets them off." 

"Oh. Erm. What would be... part of the process there? Like, how do you 'put people into place'?" 

"Depends on what you like and what you respond to. Sometimes it's just talk." 

He hesitated, so Lily prodded, "What else is it?" 

"Promise you won't get mad at me for suggesting it? Because none of this is based off of what I think you, specifically, want; it's just the different options." 

"I solemnly swear to not get mad at you," Lily said, rolling her eyes. If she hadn't gotten mad at him before this, she didn't see why she'd start now. None of these were indecent proposals being thrown at her, it was a negotiation. It felt like the more comfortable she got with this, the more uneasy Sirius got-- like they couldn't get on the same page. 

"Punishments. When people don't listen to their dom or they act out, they tend to get punished." 

"Punished how?" Lily asked, interested even though she hadn't really thought about it before. 

"Any number of things. Spanked, getting their hands tied back so they can't touch anything, not being allowed to come, being called names they normally don't like... shite like that. Some people like pain, others like a little bit of humiliation. Just sort of depends." 

Lily swallowed. Her mind hadn't gone anywhere specific, but her body was reacting to his words like it had. "I like the sound of... some of that. Can we talk about it more later? Or- play around with it or summat?" 

"Sure," Sirius said, the only sign that he was surprised being a slight raise to his eyebrows. "There's one more big thing I wanted to talk to you about- well, one more kink thing, and then something more personal." 

"Alright." 

"Some people like the dom/sub play only when it's sexual. Is that where you're leaning with this? Like, only when we're having sex, or do you want to do more... household play?" 

"What do you mean? I thought it was _for_ sex." 

"Most of it is. Well, for what we've been talking about, it is. What I mean is, sometimes people like a slow build up. Like, let's say that you got off on an imbalance-- you like being naked when I'm fully dressed. You could either want that specifically when we're shagging, or you might want to walk around like that for a while before I ever touch you." 

Lily blinked. "I hadn't thought about it. I don't- I don't think so? Just sex, maybe?" she said, then sighed. "Merlin, I feel like I didn't prepare for this conversation at all." 

"It's okay. Hell, if you had all the answers, then we wouldn't be talking near as much. We probably could've jumped in a lot sooner, but this is better for you. Remember, there's no point to any of this if you don't feel safe." 

"Right." She took a deep breath. "Right. I'm just not used to not having the answers," she said with a small smile. 

Sirius shrugged. "It's what you're here for. Besides, you did great," he said, grinning at her. "I think we're done for now, and you've got a lot to think about before we talk about it again, and even longer before we actually try anything. Now that you've got specific acts to think about, it should be easier for you to figure out what you want. Next time should mostly be figuring out what you want to do first, so there's no pressure." 

"What was the personal thing?" she asked, because it kind of seemed like Sirius had forgotten about it. 

"It's not a specific question or anything; I was just wondering how you're dealing with the whole... your partner being me, thing. I know you said that you trust me and that's why you're willing to give it a shot, but shagging one of your friends changes thing, even if you're not worried about dating or anything." 

"I don't see why it would have to change things," Lily said. "You're still James's best mate. I can't imagine Sunday brunch will be unbearable after seeing you naked." 

She was expecting for Sirius to laugh, but he was unusually serious about it. "Naked is one thing. Seeing someone during sex is quite another, and being the _reason_ they're like that is even more strange. If you don't think it'll be a problem, then cool. I just don't want for you to be convinced that you'll be fine and then freak out the first time you see me afterwards. An adjustment period wouldn't be entirely off the table. I'm not saying you have to lean more one way or the other, but it's something else to think about." 

Lily wanted to tell him that of course she would be fine, but if it would make him more comfortable for her to think about a while longer, then she would. "Okay. If that's everything, we should be getting to mine. James said he'd make red curry." 

"Nothing could keep me away," Sirius said with a wide grin, and suddenly, everything was back to normal. The conversation had felt weird as hell while they were having it, but now it was like nothing had changed. She didn't think that the act of sex would change it so much that they wouldn't bounce right back; Sirius was worried over nothing. 

"How was your afternoon?" James asked when they stepped out of the floo. 

"A very strange conversation about specific sex acts," Lily answered. 

"Hey, you knew what it would be like going in," Sirius said. "I did warn you." 

James snickered. "Ah yes, a long, hard afternoon of talking about sex. Sounds horrifying." He kissed Lily on the cheek when she walked over, and she turned her head for a proper one, which he willingly gave. "Get everything figured out?" 

"Mostly," Lily said, then walked to the loo. 

"She's still got some stuff to figure out." 

Lily very maturely stuck her tongue out at him before closing the door. 

Sirius snorted, then walked over to James and rested his chin on James's shoulder. "It smells delicious." 

"Thanks," James said, beaming. "I think I've finally got it like Mum used to make it." 

Sirius took a deep breath in, and let it out with a contented sigh. "Mm, sure smells like it. Even if it doesn't taste like hers, it'll still be good." 

"Yeah, just..." James shook his head, and it was clear that he didn't plan on finishing that thought. 

"Just what?" 

"I just remember how happy it would make you when you'd get home and realise what she was cooking." 

"I'm plenty happy every time you're cooking. You realise that, right?" In his opinion, he was a very easy person to please, and James was an ace at it. 

"It's not the same, but thank you," James said, turning his head a little to kiss Sirius on the cheek. 

* * *

"Before we actually get into anything, I want to remind you that I'm not going to be the same during it, same as you won't be acting much like yourself," Sirius said. 

Lily gave a sharp nod. She was more nervous than she felt like she had any right to be. They'd talked about this. Talked and talked about this night specifically and what they were going to do until she'd had it memorised. Safewords, figuring out how to communicate what she wanted to Sirius without completely breaking the scene, everything. And now she was here, about to step into his flat, dressed the way he'd said, and she was wound so tight she felt like she might snap. 

"You sure you're okay with this? There's no shame in changing your mind." 

"No, I _want_ this," she said, more than a hint of desperation coming through. "I'm just nervous. How do we start? We've talked about everything under the bloody sun, but right now, I feel like I can't remember any of it. Other than pineapple," she added. Pineapple was her safeword, mostly because Sirius had started listing words she could use, and she'd started laughing when he said pineapple and hadn't been able to stop. After that, it was the only thing she could think about. 

"Well, if you were going to remember one thing, that's the best option." He gave her a lingering look, and when she didn't call it off, he unlocked the door and pushed it open. 

They were starting. 

"Take your shoes off," he said, in a tone she'd never heard him use before. It wasn't dangerous per se, but he definitely expected to be listened to; it wasn't a request. Firm and commanding, and even though he'd only said the one thing and it wasn't sexual, Lily felt her cheeks colour. 

She didn't realise that she was so caught up in thinking about his voice that he'd already finished and she hadn't moved. 

Not until he looked at her and raised an eyebrow. "Something wrong, baby?" 

Now she was embarrassed. Her blush deepened. "No, sir," she said, then she felt even worse, because she hadn't really meant to call him sir. It slipped out, but she wasn't going to apologise since Sirius had told her that she could try it if she wanted. 

"Then hurry up," he said, patting her on the arse. He turned and walked over to the couch, sitting down. It wasn't a normal sit, though-- not for how Sirius normally sat, at least. 

She couldn't stop herself from noticing the differences, but this time, she made sure that she was taking off her shoes while she thought. He'd put himself in the middle of the sofa, arms along the back and legs spread wide enough that she could easily stand between them. Her shoes were both off and sitting next to his, and she didn't know what to do next. 

Fortunately, she didn't have to think about it for more than a second because Sirius held out a hand to her and said, "Come here." 

She walked, and when she put her hand in his, he guided her to sit on his lap. It put her sitting right on top of his dick, and she wished for a moment that she'd worn trousers instead of a skirt. Normally she would have, but Sirius had told her to wear a skirt. 

"You nervous, baby?" he asked, hands settling on her thighs. He had to push the skirt up a bit to get his hands there, because they weren't exactly near her knees. Her panties were nearly visible with his hands that high. 

Lily swallowed. "A little." 

"What are you nervous about?" he asked, but he wasn't looking at her face anymore. As he asked, he lifted up her skirt and looked directly at her cunt. She knew that her panties weren't hiding much since they were thin and white, but it was certainly made worse by the fact that she was already a little wet. 

She flinched back a little at the scrutiny. 

"I don't repeat myself," he said, steel in his voice. It put a little thread of fear in her, but all it _really_ did was make her more horny. "Answer the question." 

"I don't know," she said. With one hand, he held the front of the skirt up against her stomach, and with the other, he ran his finger atop her clit lightly. Too light to do anything but remind her that she was turned on. She twitched at the touch. 

"Merlin, you're desperate, aren't you?" 

She swallowed, throat bobbing more than giving her any relief. "Yes, sir." 

"Take off your shirt," he said, moving his hands back to her thighs and looking up at her face again. 

She hesitated, and he pinched the inside of her thigh. She jumped and her hands scrambled for the hem of her shirt. She pulled it off, and almost as soon as it was gone, Sirius's hands were at her back, unhooking her bra. He didn't have to ask for her to take that off too; she did it automatically. 

"Good girl," he whispered, then leaned up and kissed her. 

_This is the first time I'm kissing Sirius_ , she thought, and it was strange. Not the kiss-- that part was so good she was seeing stars-- but the fact that she was half naked and he'd touched her cunt over her panties but this was the first time they kissed. 

He pulled back for long enough to strip out of his shirt, and then he was kissing her again. Even the way he kissed was full of control, like he was going to take what he wanted and who was on the other side was incidental. It sent a thrill through her as he curled his fingers in her hair and tugged gently. She moaned, hips automatically grinding down on him. He hadn't been hard when she first sat on his lap, but he was now. 

"Perfect," he whispered, and the praise shivered through her. He kissed her again, and she lost herself in the feeling of his tongue in her mouth. She didn't think about how long they'd been kissing until he told her, "Stand up," and she did to find that she had pretty much completely soaked through her underwear. He unzipped his trousers and shucked them, tossing them to the side carelessly. It left him naked, and she expected that he'd pull her onto his lap but he didn't. 

He leaned back against the couch, looking just as confident as he had when he'd been completely dressed-- and it certainly didn't hurt that he had no _reason_ to be less confident. His eyes roved over her body, then went up to her face, and he smirked. 

"Come here," he said. Not a request, an order. 

Lily's body started to move before her brain caught up with it. She had half a mind to blush again, but quite frankly, she didn't think her face could get more red than it already was. She stood in front of him, and he pulled her onto his lap. Not all the way down like she'd been sitting before, but floating above him so that she felt tense and exposed in the best way possible. 

"Put your hands on the back of the couch, baby." 

She did, hyper aware of the way this position put her chest right in front of his face. 

Sirius didn't hesitate to lean forward and lick at her nipple. He bit it lightly, his mouth curving into a smirk when she whimpered. He gripped her arse with both hands and pulled her a bit closer, and nudged so that she was lower down. She could tell from the tension in her thighs that she wouldn't be able to stay like this long. Sirius sucked one nipple in his mouth and let it out slowly. "You good?" he asked. He was looking straight up at her, not even a bare centimeter away from her breast. 

Lily nodded. 

"Okay." He moved her a little further down, not taking his eyes off her. "You're going to stay right here. You can move your head as much as you want, but the rest of you stays exactly where it is." 

She nodded again. 

“There’s a good girl.” 

* * *

Lily sort of collapsed on top of him. She didn't mean to, but she was exhausted. She could honestly say that her brain hadn't been working at full capacity when they finished having sex, and when Sirius wrapped his arm around her and stroked his hand up and down her back in a way that was surprisingly soothing. 

"Sorry," she muttered, when she had the mind to speak again. "Didn't mean to fall on you." 

"You're right where you need to be, Lils. You cold?" 

She thought about it. "Maybe a little?" she said, like she wasn't sure. Sirius was still rubbing her back, which was definitely nice, but she couldn't tell if it was warming her up or if his hot skin was making her more aware of how cold the rest of her body was. 

"I don't have a blanket out here, and I can't reach my wand. If you want, I can grab it from my room." 

"It's okay. I should probably get back home anyways," Lily said, but she didn't move to follow through. 

"I'd feel better if you stayed a bit longer. You never know if it's gonna hit you hard or not, and I don't plan on taking that risk." 

"I thought that only applied to the hardcore stuff?" 

"It's necessary for the hardcore stuff, but for- well, it's necessary now, too. Any time you're being submissive for someone, you need time to get back to yourself. Trying to rush it can bugger you over. It doesn't matter that you didn't drop; you still need some time. Some cuddles. Maybe a blanket. Do you want me to grab a blanket?" 

Usually, Sirius wasn't half so accommodating. Of course, they normally didn't have sex either, so it was an all around different kind of day for them. She was kind of cold. "If you wouldn't mind." 

"'Course not. Here, budge over and I'll be back in a second." 

Lily wiggled off his lap and sunk into the couch. She didn't realise how tired she was of sitting up straight until she started moving. Sirius was getting a blanket, and he'd just been talking about relaxing, so he wouldn't mind if she laid down, right? Right.


	2. Good Times

So far, everything they'd done was pretty mild. Lily didn't think mild was the right word. Tame wasn't quite right either. They'd stayed away from the hardcore stuff-- the shite that Lily didn't think she'd ever mention to James, just for his own peace of mind. Lily hadn't been able to get it out of her head, but she hadn't asked Sirius about incorporating it yet. 

They'd done restraints a couple times, but Lily knew that the way they'd been doing it wasn't hardcore-- she didn't need to double check with Sirius to know that one. They'd tied her wrists to the headboard. One time she had her hands tied to each other but nothing else, and it had been easy for Sirius to push her around a little. 

But they'd been doing this for a while, James didn't seem to mind, and she felt comfortable enough with Sirius to ask him every little thing that popped into her head. So when she felt like trying out a little punishment like they'd first discussed, she wasn't all that nervous about it. She was nervous about how she'd actually deal with the pain when the time came, but she wasn't nervous about asking for it. 

"You sure you're up for it?" Sirius asked, popping a crisp in his mouth. They usually ate then chatted for a while before doing anything. In the beginning, it had helped her get relaxed enough to enjoy herself. Now, they did it to help her keep her energy up so she didn't crash afterwards, and it gave them time to talk about what she wanted to do. 

"Yeah. Besides, if it turns out that I'm not, we can always stop." 

"True, but that's not what I meant." 

Lily frowned. "Then what did you mean?" 

"Do you know how to be bratty? Like, you have to actually act out for it to be a punishment." 

"I can act out," she said, offended that he thought she couldn't. 

Sirius shrugged. "If you say so." 

"I _can_." 

"I just said I believed you." 

"Yeah, but it was clearly a lie. See? Right there-- me disagreeing with you." 

"Disagreeing with me in a normal conversation isn't the same as being a brat, but if you think you can do it, then fine." 

"Well now I'm doubting myself," she said, huffing. It was only a little sliver of doubt, but she didn't like the idea of disappointing her dom if she couldn't do it-- especially after insisting that she could. 

"Lily," Sirius said, sounding amused, "I didn't bring it up to freak you out. I just meant that I've never seen you act that way. Maybe it's because you've been holding yourself back when we're together, and this is a chance for you to really enjoy yourself." 

"You say that like I'm not enjoying myself already." 

"You know what I mean. You could be enjoying yourself more. Besides, if you didn't think you could do the bratty thing, there are some other options that you could think about." 

That sounded intriguing. And honestly, Lily liked having options. Sometimes she felt like she could do something, only to get in the moment and second guess herself. "Like what?" 

"I know this guy that always does a roleplay sort of thing. It's kind of possessive though, which I know you haven't really expressed interest in." 

Lily shrugged, because yeah, with their situation, it hadn't made sense to even think about. "Tell me anyways." 

"Well, the way he explained it was that his partner would wear a short skirt or summat, and they'd pretend like she wasn't allowed to wear it in public so when they get home, she has to be punished for it. It would take less effort on your part if we did something like that. With the scenario already set up, all you'd have to do is be there." 

She rolled that over in her head. It would be easier, but, "I feel like you're always doing everything for me, and all I ever do is show up." 

"That's not a bad thing," Sirius said. "And even if it is for some people, I like it the way we've been doing it." 

"So you'd prefer it if we did the skirt thing? Or something like it?" 

He shrugged. "Since it's a punishment scene, I'm not sure I'd care one way or the other. The set-up isn't as important to me there. Something to consider though, is that most punishment is going to either verge into nonconsensual scenarios, or it's possessive. When people just want pain, you don't have to mess with the set-up, but you said you wanted spanking, right?" Lily nodded, so Sirius continued, "That makes it more personal. If I just tied you up and got a paddle, I don't think we'd have to worry about these details, y'know?" 

"Yeah," Lily said, nodding again. Then she frowned, trying to think about what she wanted. "The short skirt sounds easy, but I'm not wearing one right now, and I'd feel a little weird about going home to get one." 

"Do you not know any tailoring spells?" 

“You do?" 

"Duh." 

Lily blinked at him. "'Duh'. Okay. Then yeah, let's go with that." 

"Follow-up question then, where are we on name calling? I know you said originally that you don't want insults, but has that changed?" 

"I don't think so." 

"Alright. Where are you on if I say you're _dressed_ like a slut instead of calling you one straight out? It's a difference that matters to some people." 

She hummed, thinking about it. "I'd like if we tried it. I'm not sure I'll like it, but it'll only be a couple times, right?" 

"Yeah." 

"Cool," she said, nodding and taking another bite of food. She was almost done, and it looked like Sirius was getting close to finishing too. 

The rest of the time before they started was spent with their usual conversation: about James, their jobs, and how everyone else was doing. "Is James okay?" Sirius asked. 

"Yeah. Last I heard at least," she joked. "Why, did he say something to you?" 

"No, but he seemed a little off last time I talked to him. If you haven't noticed anything though, I'm sure it was a cold or summat." Sirius took a drink of water. "Mm, I should fix a skirt for you. One of the ones I have fine, or did you want me to transfigure your trousers?" 

"You have skirts?" 

"A couple." 

"Huh.” She would never understand him. “Yeah that's fine." 

Sirius nodded, then walked to his room. Lily knew that she could follow him and it wouldn't be against some rule, but it felt weird being in his room when they weren't in a scene. While he was taking care of the skirt, she started cleaning up the kitchen. He'd told her a dozen times that he'd take care of it, but it gave her something to do while she waited. 

He got back when she was contemplating if she had enough time to wash the dishes. "It's supposed to sit up around your waist, so your arse will sort of be hanging out, just so you know," he said, then glanced up. His eyes went to the table, then the counter, and he sighed. "I told you, you don't have to do that." 

"I know," she said, holding out her hand for the skirt-- and the collar, because she’d told Sirius that she liked wearing it every time they were together. 

Sirius shook his head instead of arguing about it (again) and handed over the skirt. She moved her hair aside so he could put the collar on, and he did. "I'll be in my room,” he said when he was done. 

"Thanks." He left the room, and she took off her trousers and pulled on the skirt. It went around her waist like Sirius had said, which made the length of it basically vanish. She had to tuck her shirt into it, which made it feel the slightest bit too tight. The bottom of the skirt fell to just past the bottom of her arse. If she was walking down the street in it, she would definitely agree that it was too short. If she bent over to grab something, her pants would be visible. She always wore panties that were nice when she went to Sirius's because she never knew if it would come in handy or not. 

She folded her trousers and put them on the arm of the sofa. She fussed a little with how her shirt was tucked in, even though she knew it wouldn't matter in a couple minutes. She liked the presentation of it, though. She liked being perfectly put together before Sirius took her apart. She took one step towards his room, then paused. Wearing a bra didn't seem to fit with what she wanted, so she untucked her shirt and took the bra off then place it atop her trousers. Lily tucked her shirt back in, made sure it was sitting right, then went to Sirius's room. 

"Hey," he said when she walked in, as if she was getting home for the first time that night. Home to him. 

"Hey," she replied, closing the door behind her. 

His eyes flicked down her body, then back to her face. "That's an interesting outfit," he said, his voice too neutral for it to be how he really felt. 

"You think so?" 

"Hm. Where were you?" 

"Work." 

"You wore _that_ to work?" 

"Yeah." She tugged on the bottom of the skirt self-consciously. "Why? Do you think it's not professional enough?" 

"Oh, it's plenty professional. If you're a hooker." 

Lily blinked, feeling a hot mix of shame and arousal seep in her abdomen. 

Sirius saw her change in mood, let her know that he saw it, and didn't move to comfort her like he normally did. He raised an eyebrow. "You think I'm wrong, baby?" 

Wordlessly, she shook her head. 

"Come here." 

She didn't move. He was mad at her, and she knew it. 

"Come _here_." 

She swallowed thickly and took a tremulous step towards him. It was hard to put one foot in front of the other when she knew he wasn't happy with her, and even harder since she'd made him repeat himself-- something she knew he hated to do. When she got in arm's reach, he put a hand on her waist and wrenched her the rest of the way closer. It made her breath hitch. Fear made her heart jackrabbit in her chest, and with only a thin shirt on, she was pretty sure Sirius could see it pulsing against her skin. "I'm sorry," she said, the words falling out of her mouth quick enough that it was like it was a single word. 

"You're sorry," Sirius repeated flatly. "You think that's good enough, baby? That you're sorry?" 

She gave a jerky, unsure nod. "It's not like anything happened. I wasn't sneaking around with someone else. It's just a skirt." 

Sirius's eyes got sharper. "Just a skirt."

"Yeah." 

"Hm. It is a skirt, baby, you're right about that. There's a problem with your logic, though. You want to know what it is?" 

"I- yes." 

Sirius hummed again. Her own responses were sputtery, but Sirius was calm and collected. In complete control. "You told me that you _wouldn't_ dress like this. You promised me." 

Lily swallowed nervously and nodded. "I'm sorry," she said again. 

"Sorry's not good enough, baby," he said, voice low and dangerous. She swallowed again. "You know what comes next?" 

"You- you have to remind me why I listen to you." 

"That's right." He leaned back a little. "Lay across my lap, on your stomach." 

Even though Lily knew where she needed to put her arse as she laid down, her stomach was twisted in anxious knots, so she didn't lay over his lap as centered as she should've. 

"Scoot up a bit." 

She did. 

He flipped up the bottom of the skirt, then huffed. "And you were walking around with these panties. For fuck's sake, baby, you dressed up like a slut and didn't expect for something to happen?" He swat one cheek, and she jumped in surprise even though it hadn't hurt. He smacked the same cheek again, harder, and this time she yelped because that _had_ hurt. He slid his finger under the edges of the panties that were cut across her cheeks and lifted them higher against her skin so they were pulled up her crack and mostly out of his way. 

The first two hits had been his hand coming from the side towards the middle. She hadn't realised that it would make a difference from his hand coming up high and going down until another hit landed and it hurt like a motherfucker. Her eyes started to water almost immediately, and she turned her face into the duvet in relief when he stopped. 

Sirius laid a gentle hand on one cheek, massaging the muscle. It still hurt, but more like an ache from an exercised muscle than the impact had. The half of her arse that he wasn't touching felt like it was burning. She'd known that her skin would look red, but she hadn't known that it would also _feel_ red. 

"That," he said, softly, "was for not listening to me the first time I told you to come to me." 

Lily buried her face further into the duvet. She'd been afraid of that. She lifted her face enough that it would be a complete mumble when she said, "I'm sorry, sir." 

"It's okay baby, I forgive you for that." His other hand pat her back-- near her shoulder blades, comfortingly. "But I need you to get up for a second." 

It took her a second. First, to get it through the filter in her head, and second to react to it. It was a little shaky to make sure that she didn't knee him in the groin or fall down on weak legs, but she managed it. Her skirt fell back over her sensitive bottom and she winced. 

"I know," he said soothingly. Her side was to his front, so she saw him reach his hands up and felt it when he unzipped the skirt and worked it past her hips. It fell to the ground, and a moment later, her panties followed it. "You want to keep your shirt on?" 

She shook her head. 

"Alright, take it off then." 

Her arms shook a little, but not so much that she couldn't manage it on her first try. 

"Lay on my lap again. Opposite direction this time, baby." 

Lily nodded, sniffled a little, and did as he said. 

"I want you to say 'I'm sorry, sir. It won't happen again' after every slap, okay?" 

"Yes, sir," she said. He slapped her, hard, and she whimpered. Getting a break should've felt good, but all it had done was make her more sensitive. "I'm sorry, sir. It won't happen again." 

He slapped her other cheek. 

"I'm sorry, sir. It won't happen again." 

She said it over and over, so many times she lost count. A particularly painful hit made her bite down on her lip. She knew that she had to say it, but it's like the pain was reverberating through her entire body, making words had to form. 

"It's okay," Sirius said, his voice warm and strong-- like he knew everything there was to know. If he said it was okay, then it was okay. "Just breathe." 

She gasped, feeling embarrassed that she was crying, but it didn't overshadow the comfort she got from Sirius's voice. 

"You're almost done, baby; you've been doing so good for me. So good." His hand rubbed over her arse, and it made her skin feel like it was on fire, but it didn't feel like she was in more pain than before. 

"I-" her breath hitched on a sob, "I have?" 

"You have," Sirius said. "It's just two more, do you think you can handle that?" 

She nodded, not needing to think about it. It would hurt like hell, but she could take it. 

He pulled his hand back and did it in quick succession. It started fresh tears in her eyes, but she knew that he'd been taking it easy on her. He didn't make her say it again, just smoothed a hand up her back to curl around her shoulder as he told her how good she'd taken it. His other hand went back to rubbing at her backside. The pressure was firm, taking the sting out of her pain. Lily pressed her face into the blanket, letting it absorb the wetness from her face. 

She had no idea how long they stayed like that. It didn't feel like very long, but Sirius had gone from one cheek to the other and back again. Her arse ached, and she knew that it would for a while. 

"I'm sorry," she muttered. 

"I know you are, baby. It's okay. You looked bloody good in that skirt; it makes sense that you wanted to wear it." 

"Not that," she said, turning her face to the side so her words were clearer. She could sort of see Sirius in her peripheral vision. "I didn't say the line each time like you told me to." 

"I know," Sirius said softly. His hand stopped rubbing her arse and went to rest at the top of her thigh, his fingers curling to rest inbetween her legs. "It's okay. I put you through a lot, baby, and you handled it a lot better than I thought you would." 

Lily propped herself up on her elbows so it was easier to turn her head towards him. He let his hand fall from her shoulder and he rested it on the mattress next to himself. "I did?" 

Sirius smiled like he was proud of her. "You did. It was your first time, and I wasn't taking it easy on you until the very end there. That's pretty incredible." 

"I don't feel like I did incredible," she said honestly, her voice a small little thing, like she was ashamed. Maybe she was. She'd always thought of herself as having a pretty good tolerance for pain. "I cried." 

"Most people cry. I think that's part of the point, that release." 

"Oh." She hadn't thought of it that way. She did feel better than she had before, even though her face was a mess and her bottom still hurt. She opened her mouth, then closed it again. 

"What?" Sirius asked. 

Lily shook her head and laid back down. "I was going to ask for something, sir, but I know that I don't get to do that right now." 

Sirius hummed in agreement. "Usually, yes. However, I quite like this shade of red on your skin. What is it?" 

"I was wondering if you were going to fuck me?" 

"I wasn't planning on it." 

Lily held back a sigh of disappointment and nodded. She crossed her arms and put them under her head, laying her cheek on it like a pillow. 

Sirius's thumb stroked back and forth where it was rest, going over the bump that differentiated her arse from her thigh when she laid like this. She'd always thought of it as an unsexy pose, but Sirius seemed to like it. He wasn't fully hard, but feeling his erection against her abdomen had been part of the reason she asked. "I've told you that you only get my cock if you're good," he reminded her. 

She nodded again. It wouldn't ruin her night to not get fucked-- far from it. She was still going to end the night satisfied, but she had sort of assumed that they'd have sex afterwards. 

"You've always been good until now, so we never had to worry about it." 

"Yes sir," she said, understanding but unable to keep the disappointment from her voice. 

Sirius's thumb kept moving. "You're disappointed." 

"Yes sir." 

He was silent for another moment. "Okay. Since you took your punishment so well, I'm going to give you two options. You get to pick whichever one you want, and we'll do it. Sound good?" 

"Yes sir," she said again, stomach already fluttering in excitement. 

"One: you stay basically in this position and pick up your knees a bit. I finger you until you're satisfied. Two: we set a timer for ten minutes, and I eat you out. If you manage to keep from coming before the timer goes off, I'll fuck you like you want." 

Lily swallowed. Sirius was an absolute master with his tongue; he played her like a bloody violin. It's not like he had touched her in a way meant to turn her on, but they'd been doing this long enough that she knew what she was like. She couldn't differentiate between the heat of her arse and the heat that meant arousal, but she knew that it was there. And if Sirius was determined, it seemed doubtful that she'd last the full ten minutes. One night, he'd tied her hands to the headboard and just played with her tits while she begged. She'd never been very sensitive there, but by the time he'd finally put a finger on her clit, she hadn't lasted five minutes. Hell, she probably hadn't last more than two. Her heart beat loudly against her rib cage just thinking about it. "What happens if I come before the timer goes off?" 

"I'll stop licking you." 

"How will you get yourself off if that happens?" she asked, because yes, not getting him inside her would be bad enough, but she had a feeling there was more to it than that. 

The hand that was between her thighs moved, trailing fingers lightly up her crack. "I'm going to lube you up right here, push your cheeks together, and fuck it till I come all over you-- same as I did to your thighs last week, baby." 

_Merlin,_ he was trying to kill her; she just knew it. If he did that, her arse would hurt again, and it wouldn't be something she could ignore. She'd probably start crying again, although that was likely to happen no matter which one she chose. "And how would you get off if I chose the first one? Where you finger me." 

"I'd just jerk off, baby. That one would have nothing to do with you. I'd only do _this_ ," he said, pressing the pad of one finger against her hole but not breaching, "if you couldn't last like you promised me." He moved his finger away, back down to rest his hand between her thigh again. "So what's it going to be?" 

Bugger. How could she choose? _Yes_ , she wanted Sirius to fuck her, but what were the chances she'd last long enough to actually get there? Practically nothing. The idea of failing was certainly attractive, but she said, "Option one please, sir." 

"Option one, it is, baby." He pulled his hand out from between her thighs and lifted up her legs a little so he could get out from under her. "Pull up your knees and spread them." 

She did, fidgeting a little to get in a better position, then stilling to show she was ready. 

Instead of getting right to it, Sirius put two fingers in front of her face. She opened her mouth, and he put them in. She sucked on them, half wishing that he'd said she'd be allowed to suck him off if they went with the first choice. He let her do that for a minute, enjoying the way she curled her tongue around the digits like she wanted to devour him. He pressed his fingers against her cheek, and she let out a broken moan. 

"Merlin, baby, you're gagging for it, aren't you?" he whispered, his tone worshipful. 

She nodded, because there was no point in denying it. 

"Maybe later," he said, and she hoped it was a promise. "Are you wet?" 

She nodded again, then whimpered when he pulled his fingers out. It quickly turned into another moan when he plunged them into her cunt. "Fuuuck," she breathed as he rubbed the tips of his fingers against her g-spot. 

She definitely wouldn't have lasted for ten minutes. 


	3. The Times That Weren't So Great

"Daddy kink?" Sirius asked, wrinkling his nose. "Really?" 

"I know it's not your favourite, but I'd like to try it at least once, just to see how I feel about it. If it helps, I want to try the little girl thing too." 

"At the same time?" 

"Yeah. I mean, that's how it normally is, isn't it?" 

"When people do the little girl thing, yeah. Plenty of people do daddy kink without that." 

"I'd like to try them both. If you're willing, that is." 

Sirius shrugged. "Sure." 

"Really?" 

"Did you want me to say no?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. 

"Well no, but you said that you didn't like it, so I was sort of expecting for you to." 

"Meh. It doesn't repulse me, and it doesn't bother me so much that I'm unwilling to do it for one night to make you happy." 

Lily frowned slowly as her mind put that together. "I thought you told me not to try stuff just because you suggested it. How is this different?" 

"I know my limits and what I'm comfortable with. If you wanted me to choke you, the answer would be a hard no. It freaks me out, and I'd never be able to do it, no matter how much you wanted it. That's something I know about myself and what I'm willing to deal with in my sex life. Last time we talked, you said that you still feel guilty sometimes for wanting things that you _know_ you like. If you start agreeing to try things that you aren't interested in, you could get hurt." 

"So... choking is a hard no for you, and daddy kink would be a- a soft no?" 

"Pretty much," Sirius said. "And let's say that we try daddy kink and you really love it-- I still wouldn't be willing to do it all the time because it doesn't do anything for me. If you _wanted_ to make those kinds of decisions for yourself, obviously I can't stop you, but I think it would be a good idea to wait a little longer until you have a good sense of what you like and what you can deal with." 

"It's still so weird to me that you're calm about all of this. I swear, it's the most collected I've ever seen you." 

"Rude. I feel like I was rather collected on your wedding day." 

"Well yeah, but why wouldn't you have been?" 

Sirius raised an eyebrow at her. "Do you not remember what James was like that day? He was a bloody mess, and he's contagious when he's panicking. I swear, it seeps into everyone around him." 

"Maybe so, but you..." Lily trailed off. She hadn't known where she was going with it, anyways. 

"What about me?" 

"I dunno. It's like, you get embarrassed with the personal stuff, but everything else is beneath you. You're always cool." 

"Thanks, I think." 

* * *

"Hi, Daddy," Lily said, stepping into the kitchen. She’d never been naked in his kitchen before, so this was definitely a first. Although, yes technically she was wearing underwear. It was a lace thong though, so she wasn't inclined to say that counted as dressed in _any_ way. She also wasn’t wearing the collar, which made her feel even more bare. Her feet felt colder than usual on the tile floor. It made goosebumps peak across her body. 

"Hey baby," he said. He smiled as he looked her up and down. "Aw, did you get dressed up for me?" 

"Do you like it?" she asked, walking over to the table and stopping in front of him. 

"It looks good on you, of course I like it." He took her hand in his own and pressed a kiss to her knuckles. A pleased blush rose in her cheeks. "Can I see the back?" 

"It's a thong; there's not much of a view," she said, but she did turn around when he let go of her hand. 

He palmed her cheeks and spread so he could see the little scrap of fabric. He let out a low whistle like he was impressed. "But what a view," he said. He let go and pat her hip so she knew to turn back around. "You cold, baby girl?" 

"A little," she admitted. 

He pushed his chair away from the table and pat his thigh. "Come on, I can warm you up." He took off his shirt but otherwise stayed dressed. 

Lily turned and slowly lowered herself. Sirius's hands came up to her waist, and she went where he directed, ending up sitting on top of his cock. She leaned back so that her back was pressed against his chest. Skin on deliciously warm skin. He wrapped his arms around her middle like this was a perfectly innocent hug. She tilted her head so it was nudging against his own. "Am I distracting you from work, Daddy?" 

"A welcome distraction," he said with a chuckle. 

She hummed, then turned her head and kissed his jaw. 

"I see. You want to be _that_ kind of distraction." 

"You said I'd get a present if I was a good girl." 

"The panties weren't a good enough present?" 

"I love them, Daddy. But how can they be mine if you haven't gotten my come all over them?" 

He laughed again. "That's my girl-- always thinking. Alright honey, spread your legs." 

Lily put her hands on the arms of the chair and shifted her weight as she moved her legs into position. They were on the outside of Sirius's, leaving her open, but it wasn't the widest she'd ever had her legs spread for him before. 

"Put your arms up- yeah, like this," Sirius said, guiding them into position. They went up, over her head, then behind both of them. She held onto the back of the chair, knowing that she was going to have to leave them there. When he put his hands back, they cupped her breasts. He didn't do anything else yet. "You got such pretty tits, baby. Have I ever told you that?" 

"Once or twice," she joked. The dynamic here was definitely different from what they usually did. She wasn't sure she liked it. Well- correction: she liked it, but not as much as what they usually did. This was more sweet, less severe. It was fun to try a change of pace, but she figured this experiment would stay just that: a one-time experiment that was never revisited. Still, she was enjoying it, so she wasn't going to put a stop to it. 

"Mm, well I should tell you more often," he said, giving them a squeeze before moving to pinch at her nipples. 

* * *

Lily tugged at the collar uncomfortably. It's not that the fit was bad. Sirius was a sodding pro at this. Not once had he put a collar on her that didn't sit right. That wasn't the problem. 

"Here, I can take it off," Sirius offered. They were done, just cooling off and settling now, so it wasn't that strange for him to offer. That being said, Lily moved away from his hand automatically. Keeping the collar on helped her come down, and she wasn't really ready for it to be gone yet. Sirius frowned. "You okay?" 

"I want my own collar," she muttered petulantly. 

"Alright. You can pick one out next time. I just grabbed this one because I thought you liked it." 

She tugged on it again. "Not that. I want one that's just mine. I don't like using one that you've used with other people. I'm yours because I'm me, not because I'm here and willing. We're passed that." 

"...Okay," Sirius said quietly. "I'll get you one that's just yours." He brought a hand over and ran a finger over the skin just under the bottom of it. "Do you want any specific features on it? Like a ring, or a tag or summat? Colour? Width?" 

"I like the design of this one." It's why it was her favourite. "And if you can-" she hesitated for only a moment "-like a tag they have on dog collars? The little circle ones that jingle in the front?" 

"You want your name on it?" 

She nodded. 

"I'll have to see what they have. I only know of one store that has gear I like, so it depends on what they have in stock." 

"I don't mind waiting," she said. She just wanted for it to be _right_. 

"What colour do you want the tag then? Since we're ordering it special anyways." 

"Silver," she answered immediately. Between the two, she normally preferred gold, but she knew that she wanted for the tag on her collar to be silver. 

* * *

Lily felt the hit, heard the loud smack, and froze. She'd been expecting it. She'd _asked_ for it. Sirius had explained that using a belt would leave much more clear marks and clean lines, and she'd been in love with the idea. She loved how red her arse would get after a session, and there were definitely times where she wished Sirius could hit her harder, could push her further faster. Imagining clear, bright strips of red along her backside got her blood running hot. He'd said that it would be less times than when he spanked her with his hand since it would hurt more, and she'd agreed that it made sense. He'd said that he'd probably hit her thighs a few times, and she'd liked that. 

All of the talk about it had sounded good. She'd watched him get the belt out, and she'd bit her lip, wondering if she'd beg for it-- or for it to stop. Maybe both, because that was the sort of mood she was in. She wanted it so bad she could taste it. Sirius had thrown her on the bed and pulled her hips up so she was presenting, and she'd felt herself start to get wet. 

And then the hit landed and all of a sudden she _wasn't ready_. Not 'wasn't ready' like she hadn't expected for it to hurt that much; 'wasn't ready' like she was realising all at once that she wasn't actually in the right headspace for it tonight. The sound of it had jarred her. 

"You okay?" Sirius asked, sounding worried. 

She opened her mouth to tell him that she was fine but needed to stop, only nothing came out. 

"Lily?" A pause. "Shite." There was the sound of the belt getting dropped on the floor, then Sirius scrambled over to her, pulling her into a sitting position. "Deep breaths, Lily, you're okay." He took in a loud, exaggerated breath, looking straight in to her eyes. He blew out the breath just as obviously. He did it again, and she copied it automatically-- albeit more shakily than he was doing. He did it a couple more times before toning it down, trusting that she'd continue to copy it; she did. 

"I'm okay," she said as soon as she could; Sirius was obviously worried about her, and she didn't want to make him do that for a second longer than she could help. 

"You sure?" 

She took another breath. "Yeah." 

"I should've started lighter. Let you get used to it," he said, a self-deprecating twist to his mouth. 

Lily shook her head. "No, the way you did it was fine. I just didn't realise that I wasn't in the right headspace for it. That's my bad. I didn't mean to freak you out, I'm sorry." 

Sirius continued to look completely uncomforted by that, so Lily did the only thing she could think of to make him better-- she hugged him. She'd never innocently hugged him while they were both naked. It was usually either during sex or in aftercare. Sirius insisted that aftercare cuddling was different, and Lily hadn't understood what he was talking about until now. 

* * *

Sirius had stopped. It was their third try with a belt-- with the second one being a roaring success, so much that Lily had wanted to do it again the next week. 

Lily's body noticed it before her brain clued in. Had he left to do something and she hadn't heard him announce it? Not knowing what was going on was worth risking moving her head from where she was supposed to keep it. She looked over her shoulder at him. She had to blink a few times to clear her eyes, but he was still standing there. "Sir?" she asked, wondering if this was a cue that was going completely over her head. 

He flinched. Not much, but it was there. It looked like he was staring at her arse. Not unusual by itself, but something about this didn't feel right to her. 

She frowned, slowly pushing herself up. Her body almost didn't know what to do with itself moving this early on, and she almost stepped on her arm she was so out of synch with the way she usually moved after getting into that position. "Sirius?" she tried, even though it was hard to push his name out of her mouth when she was still in the mindset of calling him sir, and his eyes shot to hers. The belt was still in his hands, but he didn't look one bit like her dom. This was Sirius as she'd known him for years: easy to talk to, if a bit confusing. He wasn't a person that demanded she obey him right now. 

"Sorry," he said, but he didn't seem to know what he was apologising for. 

"It's okay," she said because he hadn't done anything. "You want to sit down?" She was up on her knees like him, but that was because it would be a bit painful for her to sit down like this. 

He sort of collapsed down onto his butt instead of answering. "Sorry, he said again, and her frown deepened. 

"What're you apologising for?" 

"For hitting you." 

That cleared absolutely nothing up. "I asked you to do that. You remember me doing that, right?" 

He nodded. 

"O...kay. Let's just stop for the night, yeah?" 

"I didn't mean to ruin your night," he said, looking like he felt numb. His hands were slack on the belt, so she took it away. She didn't think it was helping him think right now. He didn't tighten his grip or otherwise protest, so she decided it had been the right thing to do. 

Lily picked up the edges of the blanket and wrapped it around both of them. She was half in Sirius's lap for it to work, but she figured the skin contact could only help. It also let her put less weight where she had taken the hits, so that was a nice bonus. 

She didn't say anything else, not knowing if it would help or not. They sat there for a long time. Lily was able to come down and shake off the weirdness that she was now associating with a scene ending early, and then there was some excess time after that. Enough that she wondered if she could get up and stretch her legs. 

"Bugger," Sirius breathed. He rubbed at his face with the hand that wasn't half-trapped under Lily's arm. "I should've warned you about that." 

"About what? And you're okay, right?" 

"Yeah, I'm fine. Same thing that happened to you a couple weeks ago," he said with a shrug. He rubbed his face again. "I wasn't expecting it is all. You okay?" 

Lily nodded. "You want some tea?" 

"You don't have to do that." 

"I'm going to take that as a yes," she said, dropping the blanket over on her side. She'd worn sweats to his flat this time since she knew that she was going to be sensitive afterwards-- even after getting it healed-- so she pulled them on before going to the kitchen. They were still sensitive against her skin, like sodding sandpaper, but at least it wasn’t tight, too. It was only after she was putting water in the kettle that it occurred to her that she could've put her shirt on too. She gave a mental shrug and figured there was no point in going back for it just to return to the kitchen and then immediately go back to his room with tea-- it sounded like a lot of running around for no reason. 

She made a cuppa for herself while she was at it, adding cream to both and sugar just to Sirius's. She picked the mugs up and walked back to his room. She pressed the cup into his hands, and he wrapped his fingers around it automatically. She wasn't sure drinking it would do him much good, but holding onto the warm mug certainly would. She wasn't very good at this nurturing thing. The last time that James had gotten sick, she'd just called Sirius and had him take care of it since her own attempts had been blustering (at best). 

She took a sip of tea, looking at Sirius. "Do you want me to go?" She knew that for her, she'd _needed_ to be around Sirius for a long time afterwards to feel like herself again, but she didn't know what would be good for him. 

"Not really," he said in a way that meant 'please stay'. 

Lily nodded, leaning into his side.


	4. The End Of An Era

James didn't want to be jealous. He didn't _like_ being jealous. It was a sick feeling, and he hated it. Like being eaten from the inside out and knowing about it but unable to do a damn thing to stop it. 

Well, that wasn't true. He could do something about it, and it would stop. He just didn't want to. Which sounded illogical, but he knew what would happen after it stopped. Lily would stop being as happy. He'd be able to breathe easy again, but she'd be... not miserable. He didn't think that she'd be miserable with only him to warn her body, but she would definitely be less happy than she currently was. 

He could tell Lily that he wanted for her to stop seeing Sirius, and he knew that she would listen. The problem was that James had seen how happy it made her. He didn't want to stop her from being happy, especially when he remembered how scared she'd been to suggest it in the first place. Lily was happier now than she'd been before, not to mention more relaxed. He didn't want to take that from her. 

And the horrid part of James hated that she wasn't happy because of him. She was happier than she'd ever been because of _Sirius_. James had never really been envious of Sirius before. Sirius had his good qualities, and James had his own. Often times, they matched up. Sirius was a bit better at certain spells, and James had a knack for certain potions. James excelled at flying, and Sirius had created his enchanted bike from the ground up. There were slight differences, but he'd always thought of them as being pretty even. 

But it hit a soft part of him to know that Sirius was doing more to make his wife happy than _he_ was. He hadn't married Lily so that someone else could make her happy. He thought that he'd be able to deal with the whole situation because it was Sirius, and he had. For a while. Now though, he couldn't help but notice every single time Lily came home, looking loose and pleasantly flushed-- like she'd just had the time of her life. It had helped that she always came back to him and that she clearly still loved him, but it... it wasn't enough anymore. It's not what he wanted from their marriage. 

He didn't know how to talk to her about it. She was so happy. With Sirius, with their arrangement. 

But he had to say something. 

He knew that sex wasn't everything in a relationship, but it was hard, knowing that it did mean something special to her-- and it was something he couldn't give. It had bothered him a little in the beginning, when she'd told him. After that, all he'd cared about was making sure she was happy. Letting her be with someone else had been the logical conclusion, and after she'd started it with Sirius, it still hadn't bothered him. He loved both of them more than anything else in the world, so even when they all had dinner together and one of them said something to allude to their sexual relationship, he hadn't been bothered. Plus, Lily and James had still been having sex every now and then, which kept him from being too worked up about it. 

It was only recently, when their own sex life slowed to a halt and stayed that way for a month straight that he began to think. Lily hadn't seemed to notice any change, and when he thought back on it, he'd been the one initiating all of their time together. If he'd thought for a second that she was doing it on purpose, he would've asked her about it, but he didn't think it was a decision she was making; he thought it was a symptom of her being with someone else. And that's not what he wanted. He didn't want to be some afterthought in her days. He didn't need to be everything-- and he wouldn't want to be anyways-- but he wanted to be thought about. Cared for. Loved. And right now, it didn't really feel like he was. 

James was making saag paneer to keep his hands busy when she got home from afternoon tea with her girls. He needed to talk to her. He wasn't sure if he wanted to spring it on her when she was obviously in a good mood. 

"Hey," Lily said as she took off her shoes. 

"Hey," James said, trying not to sound subdued but failing. Well, that answered that question. He should tell her, because she knew something was wrong now-- or at least that he wasn't in a good mood-- and if he deflected, it would be lying. No deflecting, no waiting. He needed to talk to her, especially since tomorrow was Thursday, and her and Sirius had Thursday nights set aside as their night. He hadn't said anything before now because he hadn't been sure about what he wanted. If he did nothing and waited, he was afraid he'd become something he couldn't stand. 

Lily went about taking off her jacket, and after it was hung next to his, he knew that he had to get it out before she got comfortable being home and thought that he wanted quiet. 

"Can I talk to you about something?" 

"Yeah, of course. What's up?" she asked, walking over to the kitchen. 

"I..." He cut a piece of cheese in half and swallowed. He could do this. He _had_ to do this. "I'm sorry, but I think I need for you to stop. With Sirius. I thought I'd be fine with it-- and I was at first-- but I'm not anymore. Is that okay?" he asked, risking a glance at her. 

Her eyes were wide. She was shocked, and it was obvious. "Yeah," she breathed. "If it's bothering you, then yeah. I- I have to say though, I'd thought it was going okay. You didn't seem to mind." 

"I didn't. At first," he added, turning back to the food in front of him. 

"What changed?" 

"I dunno. Does it matter?" 

"Well, yeah. If it's something we can fix, then I'd like to fix it." 

She wanted to keep sleeping with Sirius. James's jaw went tight, and he stayed staring at the counter. She'd never enjoyed sex that much with him, and at least now they knew why, but it didn't make him feel better. He knew that sex wasn't everything in a relationship, but it was an intimacy he hadn't shared with anyone else. She had. She was doing it _while_ they were married. Resentment twisted harshly in his stomach, which wasn't fair. "I think it's just... the whole situation. I'm sorry," he added, hating himself more now that it was out. When it was just something he was thinking about, there was no reason to beat himself up over it. The hard part had been figuring out whether or not he was going to do it, but now that he _had_ done it, he had to live with it. And he hated putting that confused/hurt expression on Lily's face. "I know that you were enjoying it." 

"It's okay," Lily said, coming up next to him and putting a hand on his arm. "We only said we'd do it if you were okay, and now you're not." She smiled at him, but he could tell she was sad and trying to cover it up. It made him feel like scum. "What're you making? It smells great." 

"Saag paneer." 

Lily's smile went tight. "You only make that when you're sad." 

"That's not true." He made it most often when he was sad, not _only_. But when he was sad and he felt like making something, saag paneer was easy for him to make and easy to eat. "I just... felt like having some." 

Lily wrapped an arm around his waist, close enough to him that he could feel the warmth coming off her body. "Okay," she said quietly, not accepting it but pretending that she was so he wouldn't feel embarrassed. 

"I'm sorry," he said again. "I know that you were enjoying it and that you still love me, but I-" 

"You don't have to explain," Lily said, tilting her head up to kiss his cheek. 

"I feel like I do," James muttered. "I promised you that I was okay with it, and now I'm not." 

"I disagree. You never told me that you were going to be okay with it for the rest of our lives. It was a limited offer; I knew that. Now, did I expect to have a little more time? Yes, I'm not going to lie about that, but ending it was how this was always going to go. I love you, and I appreciate that you were ever willing to give me that opportunity." 

"You're not mad at me?" he asked, voice small. 

"No, of course not. I'm glad you told me as soon as you knew it was bothering you." Then she paused. "I mean, you did tell me right away, yeah?" She hated thinking that he'd sat on this for a while, but assuming one way or the other wouldn't do either of them any favours. 

"I had to think about it for a couple days to be sure, but... yeah." 

"Good," Lily said, kissing his cheek again. "I never want to make you feel like you can't talk to me. Especially if it's about something that's bothering you." She leaned her head on his shoulder for a moment, looking down at the cubed cheese. "It's been a while since we did a date or anything special, isn't it?" 

James swallowed. "We don't have to go on dates all the time. I didn't mean to guilt you into thinking that I'm feeling neglected or summat." 

"Are you? Feeling neglected, I mean. It's okay to say yes, if that's the truth." 

"I don't- not _neglected_. It's not like I think you're not in love with me anymore, I just..." he trailed off, and Lily worried that he wasn't going to finish his sentence. 

"You just what?" 

James took a deep breath. "Sometimes, it feels like you're happiest when you're not around me. And I don't mean that like, you don't have to deal with me and that makes you happy, but you really like your tea times with your friends, and you like going over to Sirius's. Every time you come back, you're happy, and I feel like I never do anything to make you happy anymore." 

Lily didn't answer straight away. She wanted to immediately say that it was ridiculous, that of course James made her happy, but that wouldn't be fair to him. He was being honest with her, so she should take the time to really think about what he was saying. "I think," she said slowly, "that you're right in a way. You do still make me happy, but I wasn't showing you that. I was only showing that I was happy when I went out to do something special. I do still love you, and you do still make me happy, but I wasn't being clear about that. I was taking you for granted, assuming that you'd always be here, no matter what. I'll be better." She put her hand on his, giving it a small squeeze. 

* * *

Lily went over to Sirius's that night to tell him. She could've waited until tomorrow, but honestly, that just sounded like asking for trouble. If her and James were on the same page about it, then Sirius should know about it too. 

"You really should come over for dinner soon," was the first thing out of Lily's mouth. It's not how she'd meant to start, but really, eating soup right out of a can? 

"Alright," Sirius agreed easily. "Although, there's nothing wrong with me living the bachelor life, I hope you realise. I didn't feel like cooking real food, so I didn't." 

"It's not the food itself that bothers me; it's that you're eating it directly from the can." 

He shrugged, taking another bite. "Mm, it's good that you're here. I was just gonna give it to you tomorrow when you came over, but since you're here-" 

"About that," Lily interrupted. "Erm. James... said he's not okay with it anymore. So we- y'know- have to stop." 

"Oh." Sirius blinked, then leaned back into the couch instead of getting up like he'd been poised to. "Alright. I'm surprised he was okay with it for this long, to be honest." 

"Really?" Lily asked, because she'd thought that after the first month of him being fine, it would continue ad infinitum. 

"Oh yeah. Do you have any idea how crazy he is about you? I was pretty convinced he was going to punch me after that first night." 

"Well now you're being stupid," Lily said, rolling her eyes. "He loves you too." 

Sirius shrugged, scraping out another spoonful. 

"He does," she insisted. 

"I know he does. But as much as you?" 

"Yes. I don't see how that's even a question." 

Sirius snorted, shaking his head with a smile on his face. 

"Why are you being weird about this?" 

Sirius's smile slowly gave way to confusion. "I'm not?" 

"You are. Since when do you think that James loves me more than you? You used to insist that you were still his favourite person on the planet, even after we got married." 

"Right, but that was years ago. Shite's changed since then." 

"Not enough to change that." 

"Are you really trying to convince me that your husband likes me more than you?" Sirius asked, disbelief colouring his voice. 

Lily rolled her eyes, feeling decidedly less amused than when she'd first shown up. "Whatever," she said, throwing a pinch of floo powder in the fireplace. "See you around." 

"Bye," Sirius said, still sounding confused. Whatever. It wasn't her problem. 

* * *

They went on dates again. They had nights in where James would cook and Lily would do the dishes. They kissed each other good night and good morning every day-- a habit Lily hadn't realised had been a victim of her time with Sirius until they were doing it again. She hadn't realised how much she had missed _them_ until it was back. For a few months, everything had been fine. She'd kept the balance between what she was doing with Sirius and her relationship with James. Near the end though, she'd sidelined James. He hadn't said as much-- and maybe it wasn't true for him-- but she figured that's where the problems had started. James had been good with it, happy even, until she'd forgotten herself. It was too late to talk to him about it now, but maybe in another few months she could bring it up. It all depended. 

Sometimes, their nights ended with sex, and Lily loved it and she loved him, but she hated that it never came close to exciting her the way she'd gotten used to with Sirius. In the midst of their arrangement, Lily had definitely enjoyed sex with James. It was still good, but back then, she'd been able to enjoy it because they were close and with each other, and she'd never had a niggling thought in the back of her mind that she could be happier. That arrangement had _worked_ for her. It hadn't worked for James, and that's why they stopped. She didn't regret that. If it had fallen apart because of the way she'd been acting, then that was on her and she needed to accept responsibility for it. 

James was her husband, and she loved him. More than anything, she wanted for him to be happy. She wanted to make him forget the way he'd been unsure of himself because of her. 

It only took a few weeks for everything to get back to normal, and she was happy with that. Mostly. Sometimes, she looked at Sirius and wished... well, it didn't matter. It wasn't going to happen. 

* * *

Lily was having a girls night with her mates over at their flat, so James was having a boys night over at Sirius's. Of course, where Lily had several friends she was doing it with, his night was just him and Sirius. 

Sirius wasn't in the living room when he got there, so he poked his head in the kitchen. Not there either. "Sirius?" he called, walking towards his room. "You home?" The door was open, so James walked in, but Sirius was nowhere to be found. He gave a shrug and walked back to the living room. He was probably out grabbing pizza or summat. 

He took off his shoes and set them by the door, then turned on the radio and laid down on the couch to wait. 

When Sirius got home about ten minutes later, he did have pizza in hand. James thought about getting up, but he really didn't feel like it. It was like he'd sunken into the cushions and molded to be a part of them. It was endlessly comfortable, but he wouldn't be able to eat like this unless Sirius agreed to hand him a slice. 

"Hullo love," Sirius said with a grin. 

James gave a small smile back and flicked his wand at the radio, turning it off. He tucked his wand back in his pocket. 

"Got your favourite: extra cheese with green peppers." 

He raised an eyebrow. "What did I do to earn that?" 

"Hmm, I think it happened around March twenty-seventh, twenty-odd years ago." 

James laughed. "Really though, what's up? You normally refuse to get my toppings unless you're getting three pizzas. If my glasses aren't acting up, I only see two." 

"Well yeah, one for you and one for me." 

"You're dodging the question." 

"Yep." Sirius walked over to the couch after kicking off his shoes. James moved his legs down to make room for him, and after that, he had to sit up-- laying like that was just awkward, and if it was his favourite, he might as well sit up proper for it. Sirius handed the box on top to him, conjured an ottoman, and kicked his feet up on it. He watched James out of the corner of his eye. Not so obviously that it was outright staring, but James knew him well enough to know he was waiting for something. 

He didn't sigh even though he wanted to and opened the box. He grabbed a piece and took a bite. It wasn't until he finished chewing and was halfway through a second bite that Sirius spoke. 

"Are you doing okay?" 

James swallowed his food. "Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?" He took another bite. 

"I don't know; that's why I'm asking. I know you well enough to know that something _is_ wrong, but when you're not talking to me about it, how the hell am I supposed to figure it out?" 

James did sigh this time. He hadn't wanted to talk about it. Talking about it would make it a real problem, which would mean it was something he had to talk to Lily about. If he talked to Lily, it would mean talking about a whole slew of things that he didn't want to deal with. He knew that that kind of thinking wasn't good for him, and it certainly wasn't good for their relationship. But he was pretty sure he knew how talking about it would go, and he wanted that even less than just normal talking about it. "Lily and I are going to separate." That wasn't what he'd meant to say; it was misleading. It made it sound like they'd already talked about it. 

Sirius choked on his spit. He coughed hard for a minute, face turning red as he struggled to get back to breathing normally. "What?! Since when?" 

"We haven't... I mean, we haven't actually discussed it yet, but I know that's how it's going to end," James mumbled. 

Sirius took his feet off the ottoman and turned to face him. "Okay, you need to break it down for me, because I'm not getting this. Why do you think you're going to separate if you haven't talked about it?" 

"Ever since I asked her to call things off between the two of you- well, that's not fair. It wasn't right after. Things were fine for a bit." James sighed, picking at the crust for the piece that was in his hands. "Maybe I was enough for her before she knew what she was missing. I'm not anymore." 

"She said that?" 

He shook his head. "I'm... not sure she realises it, to be honest. She's trying so hard to make sure I think she's happy; I don't think she's thought about whether or not it's true." 

"You need to talk to her. If you're just imagining it-" 

"I'm not. And I don't want to talk to her about it." 

"Why the hell not?" 

"Because she'll leave me." 

"You don't know that." 

"The hell I don't," James said. He took a bit of pizza. He closed his eyes to better savor the flavour on his tongue. "I never thought I'd be so jealous of you I couldn't think," he whispered, ashamed to admit it. 

"And you don't _need_ to be," Sirius said. "Me and Lily? We were nothing together. I gave her a few things in sex that she wanted-- so what? I could never make Lily happy the way that you do-- and that's if either of us wanted it, which we don't." 

"But I don't make her happy. I'm not sure I ever did." 

"Don't be an idiot," Sirius hissed. "Of course you made her happy! You still do! You're feeling insecure-- and that's okay; it happens-- but you can't just throw out your entire relationship because of it." 

"You sound very certain that you're right. There's just one problem: you're not." He took another bit, feeling horribly petulant about it all. He didn't think that Lily would dump him for Sirius _specifically_ , but she'd end up there. Who wouldn't fall in love with Sirius if given the chance? 

"Mate, you've _got_ to talk to Lily about this. She'll tell you that you're off your bloody rocker and put all of your worries to rest." 

James grunted. "Can we talk about something else?" 

"Well no offense, but I invited you over so that we could talk about it. I don't want you to sit around, being miserable." 

"For the moment, I'm sitting around enjoying pizza with my favourite person. Can't that be enough? C'mon, I'm about to be crying my eyes out when Lily asks for a divorce." 

"She's not going to ask for a bloody divorce," Sirius said. 

"Whatever." 

"I'm beginning to become very annoyed with the Potter's in saying that to me." 

James frowned. "Who's supposed to be the Potter's?" 

"You and Lily, dumbarse. She keeps brushing me off when I try to talk to her about anything that's not casual." 

"Maybe she doesn't want you prying into her business," James suggested, but it didn't really sound like her. 

"Like I said, you Potter's aren't being very nice to me." He gave an overdramatic sigh and turned back to his earlier position, with his feet propped up. "But fine. If you don't want to talk about it for the rest of the night, we don't have to. What's been going on with your life other than that?" 

James gave a one-shouldered shrug. He had other stuff going on, but all of it paled in comparison to his personal life. With the distress of _that_ part of his life, he pretty much forgot about all of the rest right after it happened. He knew he had stories from work to share, but he couldn't think of them right now. "Not much." 

"If you can't think of anything, you're going to have to listen to me talk all night." 

"How dreadful," James said with a smile. 

"Hey, it could be dreadful for you; you don't know." 

"I've never been bored by you before, and I doubt I'm going to start now." 

"You never know." 

"I really really doubt it." 

"Fine. Merlin, _this_ you're sure about," he muttered. 

"You said you'd drop it," James reminded him. 

"Yeah, and I regret it already. But fine," Sirius said with a huff, "I'll leave it alone for now, as promised. Someone insulted my bike the other night and I almost gone thrown in muggle jail." 

James snorted. "Again?" 

"Hey, she's worth fighting over." 

"Not really fair when you have a wand though, is it?" 

"Merlin, James, I'm not a bloody idiot. My wand stays in my trousers when I'm fighting muggles. Besides, it's not like it's a _fight_ fight. Couple punches and one of you is going to decide that it's not really worth it. Or you're both sloshed so there's a limit to how much damage either of you can really do." 

"Don't people die in bar fights sometimes? Getting glasses smashed over their head and all that rubbish?" 

"This might surprise you, but I don't go out with the express purpose of nearly getting killed. Is that what you think I do with my time? This would explain your overprotectiveness when we were living together a lot more." 

"I was overprotective because you weren't bloody remembering to eat." 

"I was so." 

James raised an eyebrow at him, clearly not buying it. "I had to make you a meal pretty much every night." 

"You didn't _have_ to; I was eating it because you were making food, not the other way around." 

"You're full of shite." 

* * *

James already regretted telling Sirius about it when he'd pushed. After that night, they hadn't talked about it again, but James couldn't get it out of his head. He'd known that he wouldn't be able to get away with not talking to Lily about it for long, but now that he'd talked about it with Sirius, he couldn't hold it in. 

He went home the next morning, and by that night, it was eating at him so much that he knew he wouldn't be able to go to sleep. Lily could tell that something was wrong. He knew that she could tell, because he wasn't exactly being subtle. He was twitchy and much more quiet than he usually was. He also wasn't smiling, which was a pretty big indicator that something was wrong. 

It was after dinner, when Lily was sitting on the couch, and he was at the table with a book in front of him, that he knew he had to mention it. They had to talk, and it wasn't going to end well. He didn't want to. He didn't want for their relationship to officially crumble, and he didn't want to have the emotional conversation to get it there. He was going to cry; he didn't care for crying. It usually made him feel like shite. 

"Hey Lily? Can we talk?" 

"Yeah," she said softly. She knew it was about whatever was going on with him. Unfortunately, he didn't think that she knew it was about _them_. He was about to break the part of her heart that was still his, and he hated himself for it. 

"I don't think I'm making you happy anymore." 

"You do," she insisted. 

"Can you sit there and honestly tell me that you don't miss what you did with Sirius?" 

"That's a different question." 

"I think they're linked," he said evenly, looking across the room at her as he waited for an answer. There was all this space between them, like the physical world was mirroring the distance they had in their relationship. 

"Okay," she said quietly. "They're linked. I do miss having sex like that, and it does feel like there's something missing now." 

"And wouldn't you agree that if there's something missing in your life that I can't give and I'm not comfortable with you getting somewhere else, it would constitute a problem that's not easily fixed?" 

Lily swallowed thickly. There was a pit of anxiety in her stomach that had started when this conversation started, and it had rapidly grown so that it now felt like a stone, weighing her down. "Yes. What are you getting at?" 

"If I'm not making you happy-- which I'm not-- then we should- we should separate." 

It felt like all the air in the room had vanished. "What?" she asked, barely managing to choke it out. 

"This isn't something small. It's not a little thing. You- you need it in your life to be happy. I can't give it to you, and I was so sodding jealous when you were with Sirius. I wouldn't be able to do that again." 

"Do you think I don't make you happy, or do you think I'm in love with Sirius?" she asked, voice turning hard. She was scared, and now she was getting angry. 

"I didn't say that." 

"But it's what you're thinking, isn't it?" 

James's jaw ticked. "I'm not accusing you of it; I just think it's likely. He's fit, you know he can give you what you want, and you're already friends. It would be convenient for you, if you were." 

"You want me to dump you for your best mate?" 

"Of course not! You're the one that brought this up, remember? Besides, I'm not saying we have to get a divorce, but we should-" 

"Separating is what people do right before they get a divorce, dumbarse!" 

"And you think that things are working between us right now? Neither of us is happy, and if we try separating and it works, then we _should_ get a divorce! I don't want for us to stay married just because we're too afraid to end it and then we end up miserable and hating each other." 

She stared at him, eyes wide and hands shaking. "You've already decided this. Why did you bother saying that we should talk if you'd already decided exactly how it was going to go?" 

"I guess because I was hoping you'd tell me again that sex isn't everything in a relationship. That you could live without it." 

"But you didn't expect me to." 

"No. You've been miserable the last few weeks. If you could live without it, you would've been." 

"You say that like I'm going to die if I don't find someone to do it for me." 

"That's not how I meant it. I think that being in a relationship where you're expected to have vanilla sex is the part that was getting to you." 

"Then you should've suggested that we not have sex at all!" 

"Fine, let's stay together and not have sex! I'm sure that'll solve everything," he said, pushing himself away from the table and stomping to their room. 

Lily grit her teeth and tried to convince herself that staying where she was sat on the couch was a good idea. She shot to her feet. She couldn't sit there and pretend that everything was okay when they were still in the _middle_ of a fight. "You're set on us separating, aren't you," she said, staying in the doorway. James had come into the room, sat on the edge of the bed, and not moved. 

"I think I need space," he said, his earlier bout of anger gone. "And I don't want to speak for you, but I think you could use some too." 

Lily swallowed. If he was going to make an effort to be fair to her now, then she should return the favour. "Probably." 

"I'm going to stay with Sirius for..." he trailed off, then shrugged. "However long it takes for us to get this sorted. Some space, time to think, and we can see if there is a way we can stay married. I don't _want_ a divorce, Lily," he said, looking up at her. "I still love you. I still want a future with you. But right now, I don't see how it's possible. So we can think about it, and then we can talk, and..." 

"And see," she supplied quietly. She was still angry. She wanted to pace and maybe yell at him some more, but it looked like he was starting to cry, and she couldn't kick him while he was down. "Did Sirius know about this? That you were planning on leaving me?" 

"Lily, that's not what I was trying to-" 

"I know," she said, brushing it aside with an irritable wave of her hand, "but did he know?" 

"He knew I was thinking about it. He thought I was being paranoid," James said with a slight smile. He reached under his glasses and rubbed at one eye. "But it's not like he was lying to your face, if that's what you were worried about." 

"Hm," she said shortly. She turned on her heel and left the room. She threw herself back on the couch. She was angry, and she started to cry. It felt like the end, and she didn't want it to be. 

She had several minutes of irritable crying before James came out of their room, carrying a bag. 

She didn't look at him. 

"I love you," James said, but he kept his distance. His voice felt horribly loud in their flat where it never had before. The gravity of the situation made it all feel louder, like she couldn't miss a single word even if she wanted to. "This... the problems we're having... it doesn't change that. I just don't think it's enough to save the relationship." 

Lily didn't say anything. She didn't look at him. All she did was wipe some of her tears away. 

"Are you not going to say goodbye?" James asked, sounding broken. 

"I don't want it to be goodbye," she managed to say. Her voice warbled, and she hated it. She wanted to be strong for this, but she couldn't scrape together enough will to make an attempt. 

"It's not forever." 

"You say that, but you don't believe it." She rolled onto her side, away from James. All she could see now was the blurry back of the couch. "Once you leave, you're not going to come back." 

He didn't answer, and her only clue that he was still there was the fact that the floo hadn't sounded. "I love you," he said again, and then he tossed a pinch of floo powder in their fireplace. Her fireplace? She didn't know if it still counted as their flat when he was leaving her. When they were splitting. Whatever he wanted to call it, and no matter what _she_ wanted to call it. 

He appeared in Sirius's flat, feeling worn out. He wanted to pass out and sleep for the next ten hours. Maybe get a hug while he was at it. He tucked his bag on the floor against the end of the couch that was further away from the door. Sirius might not be home, but then James glanced towards his room and saw that the door was shut. He thought about going and knocking, but chances were that he wasn't alone in there. It was too early for him to be asleep. 

James curled up on the couch. He took off his glasses and tossed them on the table. Sirius had exactly two throw pillows, and they'd been a gift from Lily because she thought that all adults should have throw pillows on their sofas. He grabbed one of them and hugged it, half-hiding his face in it. He felt so bloody lonely despite knowing that he still had mates. Besides, maybe once they got some distance, they'd be able to work it out. He wasn't so sure they'd get back together though, and he... Merlin, he didn't know what to do about that. He just wasn't going to think about it. No matter how it turned out, he'd live through it. He knew that. It was just hard to imagine right now. 

When Sirius-- and his partner for the night-- came out from his room, James gave a half-hearted wave. Sirius walked him to the door, gave him a quick kiss goodbye, then walked over to James and sat on the floor near his head. He was shirtless. James didn't know what that detail was so important to him, but it wasn't something else to notice then push to the back of his mind, like the fact that Sirius had his hair up. 

"Sorry if I ruined your plans for the night," James muttered. 

Sirius shook his head. "He wasn't going to stay the night even before we saw you. Not that I mind your company, but what are you doing here?" 

"Lily and I split. I was... hoping I could stay with you for a while." 

"Of course," Sirius said automatically, but his expression was stricken. "What happened?" 

James swallowed. Wiped at his eyes. He hadn't cried since getting here, but he'd known that it wouldn't last. "We talked." 

"And?" he prompted. "What did you talk about?" 

"Does it matter? I'm here; that should be answer enough for how it went." 

"I want to make sure this isn't some stupid misunderstanding. You're two of my best friends; if you _can_ be happy together, then I want for you to be." 

Damn him. He had to be all reasonable, and if James was being honest, he wanted to talk about it. Not necessarily because he thought it was going to make him feel better, but because it kept turning over in his mind. If he said some of it aloud, then he might be able to get some rest tonight. "I don't think that's going to happen. Not unless one of us changes our mind." 

"Change your mind about what?" 

"Lily..." James started, then he trailed off and sighed. Maybe he _didn't_ want to talk about this. Sirius was sitting close enough to him that he could see him almost perfectly clear, even without his glasses on. "I know that sex isn't everything in a relationship." 

"Right." 

"But when she wasn't being satisfied, I could tell that it was getting to her. She pretended like everything was fine, but it wasn't." 

"Right, you said that yesterday." 

"Yeah." He had. It felt like he had to set the scene a little though. He didn't want to blurt out that he was too sodding jealous to let her sleep with someone else. "And you know, we were both pretending that everything was fine. We were both trying to be okay, but it wasn't working. It had to happen sooner or later." 

"If you say so." 

James narrowed his eyes at him. 

"What? I don't mean anything by it. I've never dated someone for more than a couple months, let alone get married. I've never run into problems like this. I'm having to take your word for it." 

He huffed. "Whatever. Point is, I asked if she thought she'd ever be satisfied with just the way that we had sex before she figured out what she wanted, and she said no. I told her that I wouldn't be okay with her having sex with someone else, so that wasn't a solution. She said okay. She still thought that we could make it work," he said quietly, "but I didn't. Sometimes, love isn't enough to fix everything." 

"I guess that's another thing I'll have to take your word about. You always made everything seem possible. I can recall a few drunken speeches to me about the saving power of love." 

"It's funny you say that, because what _I_ remember is telling you that I could save you from your family because I loved you so much." 

"And you were right." 

James chuckled. It made a few extra tears slip from his eyes, and he wiped them away with his fingers. They were damp from earlier use and didn't do much. "It's not... for good. Of course I want to make it work. I suggested that we get some space and talk about it again later. Lily didn't agree. She said that if I left, I wouldn't ever come back. You should've seen her face, Sirius. It's like I'd crushed her. When we got engaged, I promised myself that I'd never do something to make her feel like that." 

Sirius put a hand on James's arm. "Maybe you're right-- a little space can do a lot of good. You're not going to feel any better by beating yourself up over it. I know you normally like the couch, but did you want to sleep with me tonight? I was going to change the sheets anyways, so it's not like you'd be putting me out or summat." 

"Thanks," James mumbled. "You're- you- I mean, you know how much I appreciate you, right?" 

"'Course I know. I'm wonderful-- who wouldn't love having me around? C'mon mate," he said, moving his hand so it was wrapped around James's arm and pulling him up, "it's been a long night."


	5. Moving On?

It had been two weeks since James moved in with Sirius, and he was worried that it was for good. He didn't mind having James around-- quite the opposite, he loved it-- but if James was with him, then it meant he wasn't getting back together with Lily. 

Sirius hadn't talked to Lily since it happened. He'd sent her letters and gotten replies, but he wanted to keep James company, and he wanted for Lily to have space from him if that was what she wanted. She sounded confused. About as much as James had, though James didn't seem to be fully aware of how confused he was. James thought that he was hurting and that's all it was; personally, Sirius thought that there was more to it than that. He thought that James was-- yes, hurting, to be fair there's definitely that colour to his emotions-- jealous and didn't know how to deal with it even though the only person Lily wanted to spend her life with was James. 

With that in mind, he asked Lily if she'd like to see him in person. He'd given them a chance to work it out on their own, and they hadn't been able to. He knew from James that they'd talked a few times, but his continued moping proved that it hadn't turned anywhere good. Normally, Sirius didn't stick his nose in their business. He was their friend, and he gave them advice as he saw fit. It wasn't his relationship, so it wasn't his job to negotiate between them-- he'd always had to remind himself of that; he had to be careful for how deep in he got, and he always had to make sure that it seemed effortless. He couldn't have them knowing how much he desperately wished he could be a part of it because that wasn't normal best friend behaviour. 

He'd worried that it was overstepping, but Lily had said she'd be happy to have him over for tea. 

When he got there, she looked healthy but had that same air of sadness that James did. He kissed her cheek hello and didn't let his touch linger. He leaned back and smiled. "How've you been?" 

"Eh." Lily pulled him into a hug, which was answer enough. "How's James?" 

"Miserable. Trying to be good but failing," Sirius said honestly. 

"Hm." She sighed, leaning more of her weight into him like she was content to stay there for a while. But she let her arms drop and stepped away like the urge wasn't there. "Can I talk to you about something?" 

"Anything." 

"Without you telling James?" 

Sirius hesitated. With one glaring exception, he told James everything. It's part of what kept them as close as they were. "As long as you're not planning to kill him or summat, I won't tell him," he said. He didn't want to give her the blanket permission because there _were_ exceptions for a promise like that. Since they were already broken up though, he figured there was nothing she could realistically say that he'd be unable to keep to himself. 

"Fair enough," she said with a weak smile. "I'll probably tell him, but I want it to come from me." She paused before continuing, "I think he was right. We're not... right for each other. Not anymore." 

Sirius felt the last shreds of hope crumble. He'd hoped to be able to get them back together, and now Lily was saying that it wasn't going to happen. If her and James were on the same page now, it meant divorce was on the horizon for them. "You really think that?" he couldn't help but ask. He needed to make certain before he gave up entirely. 

"It's the truth. I love him, and I always will but it's not enough. He was right about that. I want more from my sexual life than he was capable of giving, and it effected our relationship. There's no way that we could go back to that without a major change, and it's a change that he's not comfortable with. He's... he's good, right?" she asked, looking at him nervously. "It was his idea, and I know that he's thinking the same thing, but. He's okay?" 

"I would say he's doing as well as can be expected for losing the love of his life. He thought you'd be together for the rest of your lives and now he's stuck with me instead." 

"You say stuck with you like that's a bad thing. I'd love to be stuck with you." 

"Don't worry," Sirius said with a smirk, "you are." 

Lily let out a laugh that had very little humour. "I'd love it if you meant that the way I wanted." She didn't look at him as she said it. Like she was ashamed. 

Sirius's mouth turned down into a frown. "What are you talking about?" 

"James accused me of wanting to be with you, and... he wasn't wrong. He wasn't wrong about very much," she added in a mutter. 

"The hell are you talking about?" 

Lily's eyes cut to his. She had all her focus on him all at once, where before her mind had been at least partially with James. It was intense, took Sirius's breath away in a quick hitch, and he wasn't sure he wanted to hear what her answer would be. He'd already asked, and she'd already said enough for him to know what she meant. It still felt like a punch to the throat when she said, "I think I'm falling for you. It's why I didn't ask you to visit earlier. I wanted to be sure. Not that it matters," she said with a sad twist to her mouth. "I know how much James means to you. Even if you did feel something for me, you wouldn't let yourself act on it." Lily took a deep breath, letting her eyes close as she did so. 

It freed Sirius from feeling like he'd been trapped in her gaze. But only for a moment because she was looking at him again. 

"And I don't plan on acting on it either. I couldn't do that to James. I just... felt like you should know. I couldn't keep something like that to myself." 

Sirius swallowed reflexively. He'd been keeping it a secret for far longer than her, and he'd done just fine. 

"You don't have to say anything," she said. "I don't expect for you to." 

"But... you love James." 

"Yes. And if I could have both of you, I would. Unfortunately, I don't get to make that choice for all of us. With the way that things are, I don't get to have either of you, and that's..." Lily sighed. "I'll get used to it. You don't have to stay for dinner if you don't want to." 

"I already told James that I'd be gone for a while. I don't want to pop back in and upset any plans he's made." He said it all automatically, like his brain hadn't connected all of that information to the rest of his memories. Pretend to be okay. Fake it till you make it, that was the muggle saying, wasn't it? He didn't have to think about any of this, because like Lily had said, nothing was going to come of it. 

"What sort of plans could he have made that you'd be interrupting?" 

"I don't know, and unless you want me gone, I don't plan on finding out." He was probably enjoying the time alone. Sirius had gotten a one room flat because that's all he'd needed. It had done him pretty well until now, when James didn't have his own space to retreat to when he wanted it. The least Sirius could do was get out of his hair when he needed it-- and he was definitely due. 

"No, no of course you're welcome to stay." 

"It- well, it feels a bit awkward to give this back to you now, but erm." Sirius pulled something out of his pocket and held it out to her. 

Lily took it, then unfolded it a bit to see what it was. 

"It came in right before you called everything off, but it's still yours. It's not like I could do anything with it even if I wanted to." 

The collar that they'd ordered for her. Designed to her exacting specifications. She swallowed thickly. "Thanks." She turned and walked to her room, putting it on the dresser; she could find a real spot for it later. When she walked back in the living room, Sirius was still standing there awkwardly. "I shouldn't have said anything," she said, an unhappy twist to her mouth. "Bollocks, I made everything weird, didn't I?" 

"No," Sirius denied. "It's... I mean, it's good to know." 

"Is it? I didn't think I could keep it in so I told you, but I didn't think about what we'd do afterwards. Why would it be good that I told you? Where are we supposed to go from here?" 

"We don't have to go anywhere. There's nothing wrong with staying the way that we are." 

"You sure about that?" Lily asked nervously. "I mean, you're James's best friend, but I'd like to think that we'll still be close." 

"Of course we will be," Sirius said, and before he could really worry about it, he walked forward and wrapped her in his arms. "You didn't do anything wrong." 

"Very kind of you to say," she muttered, hugging him back. She took in a shuddering breath as she gripped at his shoulders, and that was around the time that it occurred to Sirius that being physical with someone that had just confessed having feelings for him wasn't his best idea. It was too late for him to change his mind though, so he stayed exactly where he was. 

"I don't know why you phrased it that way; it's true." 

"Falling for your husband's best friend is normally what horrible people do." 

"You're not a horrible person, Lils. Fuck's sake, you're one of the best people I know." 

She snorted like she didn't believe it. 

"You are." He turned his head and pressed a kiss to her hair. Which was a mistake. He realised it after he did it, but in the role that he'd always practised for her, doing something like that was perfectly acceptable. He sighed but didn't let go. "Sorry. I didn't mean to-" 

"It's okay," she cut in, squeezing him a little. "I don't want you to feel like you have to change how you act to keep from leading me on or summat. I know where we stand." 

"Yeah," Sirius said, just so that he'd have a reply. He wanted to tell her that he loved her, but what good would it do? Like she'd said, nothing was ever going to come of it. "Yeah." Even if he could tell her and get a relationship out of it, it wouldn't be what he wanted. Like Lily, he wanted both of them. He wanted all three of them together. Just getting one wouldn't be enough. It was selfish, but he'd already known that about himself; he wanted everything. "So," he said, pulling back with another smile, "dinner? Do we need to go out or did you have something planned?" 

"I wasn't sure if you'd still want to see me after that, so er, going out sounds good." 

"Silly Lily, thinking I'd run at the first sign of trouble." 

* * *

Sirius got home from dinner with Lily, feeling drained. They'd both been pretending that there was nothing new to change their relationship to keep things from being awkward, and it had taken a lot out of him. 

James was laying on the ground listening to music when he walked in. "How was your date?" 

"I wouldn't call getting dinner with Lily a date." 

"You were with Lily?" James asked, frowning-- but not like he was upset. 

"Yeah, I told you that I was going to see how she was. Don't you remember?" 

"No, I remember you saying that you were going to see her. I just didn't realise you were getting dinner afterwards." 

"Well yeah, that's what we normally do," Sirius said. 

"Right." James's throat worked; he wanted to say something, so Sirius stayed where he was and waited. "I guess I just thought that something would change since we separated." 

"Is that... bad?" Sirius asked. 

James didn't answer. 

"I understand that this isn't easy for you, but she's my friend. I'm not going to stop seeing her." 

"Right," he said again.

Sirius ambled closer. "You alright?" 

"Bloody brilliant." 

"You want to talk about it?" Sirius offered. 

James's fingers tapped against his stomach anxiously for a minute. "No," he said eventually. "I don't want to... accuse you of anything." 

"Accuse me? Why would you be accusing me of anything? Do you think dinner is a euphemism or something?" 

"I dunno; you tell me." James sat up and turned to face him. "We're supposed to be mates, but you-" 

"We _are_." 

"Then why the hell are you seeing her behind my back?" 

"It wasn't behind your back. I _told you_ that I was going over to hers. This is apparently going to shock you, but I'm friends with her too, not just you." 

"Yeah. _Friends._ " 

Sirius didn't like the emphasis he put on that word. Like it was something to despise. He swallowed thickly, thinking of the earlier conversation he'd had with Lily and wondering how much James knew about it-- even without Lily saying anything to him. "What's that supposed to mean?" 

James's jaw worked, then he looked away, to the floor. "This is why I didn't want to talk about it right now." He pushed himself to his feet, and that was the last they talked about it for the rest of the night. 

Sirius had trouble getting to sleep. He didn't so much fall asleep as he did pass out in the wee hours of the morning. 

Things were still fragile in the morning. Sirius knew it was that way because when he walked in the kitchen, there was tea made, but James didn't look over at him. He expected that they'd spend quite a bit of their time today avoiding talking to each other. 

That wasn't what he got. 

"I'll only ask it once," James said suddenly, "but I want for you to give me a straight answer." He looked up at Sirius, who stayed frozen in place near the stove. "And- and I swear I won't be mad at you if it's not the answer I'm hoping for." 

Sirius swallowed thickly. He didn't like to lie to James, and as long as it wasn't specifically about what Lily told him, he'd tell him the truth. Did he hope that it wasn't about anything in that area? Of course. It just didn't seem very likely. The timing didn't make sense for it to be about anything else. "Okay." 

"Have you been in love with Lily the whole time we've been together?" James asked. 

He blinked. There was a lot to think about in that question, and he normally didn't think about any of it. Too dangerous. "No," he said. There was so much more he could add on, so much that he could explain, but he didn't. He said 'no' and left it at that. He didn't want to address the certainty with which James assumed he was in love with her now. Any explanation of _that_ would only be made better by admitting that he'd been in love with _James_ for much longer-- and that was definitely not a topic he wanted to get into. 

"But you are now?" 

"I remember only agreeing to answer one question," Sirius said defensively, knowing as soon as he said it that it was practically a confession. He shifted his weight, grimacing. "Look, I don't... I keep hoping that you'll get back together, but from the way you've both described it, you don't think it'll happen. I'm not trying to get in the middle of that. You guys are great together. I wish you'd realise that." 

"I _know_ that we're great together. For fuck's sake, Sirius, do you really think that Lily doesn't know that either? We were happy for a while, but it's obvious now that something was _missing_. Now that we know it, there's no going back. We tried to work it out, and it- didn't. There's no-" James stopped, then got a pensive look on his face. "Huh." 

Sirius frowned. He was more than a little concerned. James had been in the middle of getting worked up, and now he was suddenly fine? That didn't make any sense. "What?" 

"You... and Lily. And then there's me," he said nonsensically. 

"Er, yes we are three different people." 

"Yeah," James said. "There's us, and there's..." he gestured vaguely to Sirius. "We'd all get what we wanted. And I couldn't really mind because it's _you_." 

"What are you talking about?" 

James got to his feet in a quick motion. "I'll be back in a minute," he said, heading straight for the door. He pulled it open and didn't bother with shoes before stepping outside.

"Wait, where are you-" 

James disapparated, leaving Sirius alone in the kitchen feeling off kilter and incredibly confused. 

"Great, he's off his rocker," Sirius said to the now-empty kitchen. He grabbed his wand and flicked it at the door so it swung closed. He didn't lock it because James hadn't grabbed his keys when he left; he hadn't done anything except grab his wand. "I'm in love with two people that've gone mad. Brilliant." 

* * *

James showed up on Lily's doorstep and knocked loudly-- almost pounding on the door in his desire to see her and get this whole thing straightened out. 

She opened it, then straightened in surprise when she saw who it was. "James. Hey, what're you- I mean, come in." She held the door open wide and stepped back to make room for him. "What're you doing here?" 

"I need to talk to you," he said, stepping inside. "About our situation. We want to stay together, right?" 

"Right," she agreed. 

"But we felt like we couldn't because in order for you to be happy, you need someone to fulfil you sexually, and I was too jealous for that to work." 

"Yeah," she said slowly. "We've already been over this." 

"No no, hear me out. I was jealous because I was afraid that you'd fall in love with someone else and not want to be with me anymore. But! If it's someone you're already in love with while still wanting to be with me, then there wouldn't be an issue." 

Lily's brow creased, not sure if she wanted to be happy that it sounded like he was on board with her idea, or upset that Sirius had promised her he wouldn't tell and then gone off and done it anyways. "Sirius said he wouldn't tell you." 

"Tell me what?" James asked, looking thrown. 

"Oh." Apparently, he _hadn't_ told James. "Erm. Never mind. You were saying?" 

The look James gave her then let her know that it was a topic they'd be revisiting later, but he continued. "So if you and Sirius like each other-- which you do-- then we can just add him to the mix and not have to get a divorce." 

"Your solution to you being jealous is for me to actually date another man?" 

"Well yeah. I know it sounds a bit strange, but like I said: I was jealous because I was afraid you'd leave me. But if- I mean, if you can have both of us exactly the way you want, then there wouldn't be a problem. I know that it would be weird at first, and it might be difficult to find the balance that'll make all of us happy, but I feel like it'll be worth it if we can manage it. Merlin, can you picture it? Pretty sure that's what heaven would be like. All three of us, together, all the time." 

"And Sirius agreed to this?" she asked incredulously. He hadn't said a word about returning her feelings yesterday, but James was acting like it was a given. 

"He hasn't yet, but he will. I needed to talk to you about it first. If you're not on board, then there'd be no need to try and wrangle him into this. Have you noticed how hard it is to get him to talk about his feelings?" James added. "I hadn't thought about it because he always seems so open, but it's like trying to take gold away from a niffler." 

Lily laughed. "Right? You never realise it until you try and get him to say something straight out, and he just... doesn't." 

"So annoying. Anyways, that's why I think we should double team this one. I think he's worried about me, so it would make me seem less like I'm out of my mind if you came along. Er- if you agree to this, that is." 

"It's... James, this is exactly what I wanted. I wanted to be with both of you." 

"Then why didn't you say that?" 

"He's your best mate, and you were already jealous. I thought, even if Sirius does return my feelings, there's no way we could be together. I wasn't- it just didn't seem _possible_. You know what I mean?" 

"Yeah. I wish I'd thought of this sooner, then we could've avoided all of this." 

"There's no guarantee he'll say yes," Lily reminded him, but it was more for show than because she thought he'd say no. Sirius didn't talk about his feelings, no, but the way he acted... even if he wasn't in love with her, he'd be willing to give it a shot. She finally got a good look at James and frowned. "Did you run here right out of bed?" 

"No. I ran right out of the kitchen before breakfast. There's a difference." 

"Did you say anything to him before you left?" 

"Er, I think I said that I'd be back soon?" James said. "Whatever, point is, we should go talk to him." 

"Right now?" 

"Why wait? The sooner we get this all straightened out, the happier we'll be." 

"Won't he feel like we're ambushing him?" 

"In his own home? I'm not sure that's possible. Besides, you're underestimating him," James said. "Sirius can deal with a lot, even when he's not prepared for it." 

"If you say so," Lily said. She knew Sirius pretty well, she felt like, but definitely not as well as James did. "You'd better hope this goes well, otherwise my day will be totally ruined." 

"It's going to go fine. He might need some time to think about it, but come on. Who would say no to getting you for the rest of their life?" 

"Maybe don't phrase it like that. This should be asking him to start dating me, not asking him to get married to me." 

"Well he wouldn't be able to marry you anyways. Last I checked, polygamy was illegal." 

"You know what I mean. Dating is one thing. Asking him to spend the rest of his _life_ with us is another." 

"It's Sirius," James said flatly. "Pretty sure they mean the same thing to him." 

"You say that like it's a good thing." 

"Trust me, it is. Ready?" 

Lily took a deep, bracing breath. "As I'll ever be." 

Normally, they took the floo, but James wasn't wearing shoes, and Lily didn't much feel like getting dressed if James didn't have to either. They apparated to Sirius's flat and walked in to see that he was still standing-- now with a cup of tea in his hands and leaning against the counter. He raised an eyebrow when they came in together. "Do I get to know what's going on or do I have to guess? Something good, I hope?" 

"Something good," James confirmed. "So you know how we were talking about Lily?" 

"What I remember is you asking if I was in love with her before you got married, and I said no." 

"I'm pretty sure that's not what I asked, but it doesn't matter anymore. Or at least, it doesn't matter in the way that it mattered before." 

"Okay?" 

"Maybe you should just... come out with it," Lily suggested. 

"Right. Right, good advice. So er, I was thinking that the problem me and Lily were having in trying to work things out-" 

"You were jealous," Sirius said. "Yeah, I know. You already told me about that." 

"The point is that a big part of the reason I was jealous was because I didn't know how to wrap my head around Lily being in a relationship that was just about sex. But if she was in a relationship that _wasn't_ just sex, I know how to deal with that." 

"Do you?" Sirius asked doubtfully. "And what does this have to do with me? I mean, yes, I'm very happy that you managed to work things out, but I don't think I need the specific details of _how_ you worked it out." 

"But we want you to be part of it," Lily chimed in. "We want you to be part of how we work it out." 

James nodded, pairing it with a smile. "Me and Lily get back together, and instead of her sneaking off to your place every Thursday, you can just date." 

Sirius blinked once, twice. "Your brilliant plan for how to not get jealous is to have me date her?" 

"Yeah. And live with us, if you want to," James said. "Personally, I think you should. Living separately was because we were doing the grown up married thing, but if we're bending those rules, then we might as well." 

"I can't speak for either of you, but that situation would sort of be a dream come true for me," Lily said. 

Sirius blinked at them dumbly again, still holding his mug in front of him like a shield. "Yeah. Erm. No offense, but I don't want to be in the middle of your relationship again. It didn't work out so great for me last time. So er, best of luck finding someone else, and I'm very happy for you." The horrible thing is that Sirius knew his delivery on it was shaky, and he fled to his room after saying it. He caught the look on James's face that meant he knew something was wrong, but he hoped that nothing would come of it. 

Like Lily had said, it was sort of a dream come true. Sort of. Sirius had been an idiot about this before with the assurance that it wouldn't involve romantic feelings, but he wasn't going to put himself in a position like that again, where he could fail so miserably. He couldn't agree to be with _just_ Lily when James would be right there. Agreeing to it now would just make him self-destruct later, and that would hurt more for all of them. 

A minute later, James tapped on his door and peeked his head in. "Hey," he said softly. "Lily's making eggs since I sort of hijacked her before she could have breakfast. I figured you wouldn't mind." He stepped inside and closed the door behind him. 

"That's fine." 

James padded closer, eventually settling into the bed next to him. With his weight added to the mattress, it made Sirius tilt to the side so their shoulders were touching. "Look, I'm really sorry about the shite I've said to you about you and Lily being together, but I'm passed that now. I want for all of us to be happy, and this seems like the best way. I swear that I'm not going to lose my temper once we're in this. If I have a problem, I'll say it flat out. I don't want for you to say no on account of me, and it feels like that's your problem here. Was I right?" 

"Not really," Sirius mumbled, trailing one thumb along the rim of the mug. 

"Is it something we can fix? Because if it is, I think we should talk about that. But if you- y'know, just don't want to be with Lily in that way, then there's no need for us to try and work it out. The three of us, I mean. Me and Lily know what we're looking for now, so don't feel like our marriage hangs in the balance. Just. You. What are you thinking?" 

"I already said." 

"No, you lied. Well now it's just you and me, so you don't need to cover anything. If you're afraid of Lily knowing about it, I promise to keep it to myself." 

"It's not that," he muttered. His heart started to race. He couldn't believe that he was about to say it. Years and years of keeping it to himself, of making sure that he never let it slip, and now he was about to say it right to James's face. 

"Then what's up?" 

"I don't-" Sirius stopped and took a deep breath. "I think," he tried again, putting his words together carefully, "that if we're going to try something between the three of us, then it should be _all_ three of us. Not me and Lily and also you and Lily. All three of us, together." 

"Like... you and me?" 

He swallowed thickly and didn't look up from his mug. "Yeah." 

"Why would you want that?" 

Sirius shrank in on himself. 

James continued, seemingly unaware of Sirius's reaction to his question. "I mean, it's not like we've ever been interested in each other that way, so I don't know what the point would really be. Especially since I'm not interested in sex with the things I know you prefer." 

"...Right." Disappointment was crushing. He hadn't even really poured his heart out, but he'd still had it broken. 

"If- if you want, we can try, but I feel like you'd just be disappointed. And it could mess up your relationship with Lily in the process, so it doesn't seem worth it." 

Not worth it. "Right," he said again. 

"Are you okay?" 

"Smashing." He didn't need to be looking at him to know that James was still staring. 

"Sirius... if you want to try, we can. I didn't say no." 

"No, you said that it would be a bad idea because you've never thought of me that way. I'm not going to make you try it just because you think it's the best way for Lily to be happy." 

"I wouldn't do that. If we do try things between us, it would be because I _want_ to try. Maybe you're onto something and all three of us trying together would be better than just you and Lily. Besides, it's not all on me; you've never thought of me that way either." 

Sirius scoffed. It wasn't a particularly pleasant noise. "Yeah, sure. Let's go with that." 

James paused, then leaned his head on Sirius's shoulder. 

"What are you doing?" 

"How long?" James asked. 

"How long what?" 

"Have you fancied me?" 

"Longer than Lily," he muttered, not knowing if he meant that he'd liked James longer than Lily had liked James, or if he meant that he'd liked James for longer than he'd liked Lily. Both were true. 

James took a deep breath in, then shakily let it out. "Every time I think I know what to expect from you, I'm wrong. No offense, but your life depresses me. You should've told me sooner. You shouldn't have had to deal with that on your own for this long." 

"I didn't want for you to know." 

"Why not?" 

"Because I knew you'd do... this. You'd comfort me and try to make me feel better, but you wouldn't feel the same. Since I already knew what was going to happen and that it wouldn't make me feel better, there was no point to live it. But- this is why I can't say yes to your arrangement. I can't be with Lily and not with you. Not if it's actually a relationship." 

"I never said that I didn't feel the same." 

"You didn't have to say it straight out for me to know the truth. You just barely said that you've never thought of me that way." 

"Can't I get time to decide that for good? I was too busy looking at Lily to notice anyone else." 

"James." Sirius licked his lips nervously. "I- appreciate the effort you're giving to try and make me feel hope, but I know how this is going to end. I don't need to stick around and hope that you'll love me for a year before you say that you can't. That's another thing I don't need to experience to know how it'll go. I'm happy being your friend. I'm happy being Lily's friend, and I know that some day, you'll find a person that can be what you guys need. It's just-" his throat worked "-not me." 

James turned his face so that when he breathed in, all he got was Sirius. "Okay," he said quietly. He sounded awfully downtrodden for someone that wasn't even in love with him. "If that's what you want, then... then we won't press you about it. Do we need to clear out of your flat?" 

"Don't be stupid." Sirius raised a hand and rubbed at his eyes before it could make a mess of his face. "We're still mates. I'm not going to kick you out." 

"I wouldn't be offended if you need space, is what I mean. I've been everywhere lately. Sort of took over your home." 

"You didn't take over anything. Just. Stay." 

"Okay," he said. He put a hand on Sirius's arm, near the wrist. His palm was warm and rough against Sirius's skin, and it didn't make him feel any better. 

He could've had a shot. But he wouldn't have been able to take it. To have James the way he'd always dreamed of and then lose him-- he wouldn't have survived that. Minor breakdowns he was used to. That would've been one too big for him to handle. He was doing the right thing for himself; he had to look out for himself. It's not like anyone else would. James, bless him, did his best, but he couldn't do everything for Sirius. 

* * *

Things... went back to normal after that. The normal that they should've had the whole time. Sirius brought Lily back to the club they'd gone to at the beginning of all this. They went enough times that she eventually felt comfortable going there on her own and finding someone. James and Lily were living together again, back in marital bliss, and he pretended that there was nothing to hide. 

There were a few snags, of course. James had gotten sloshed one night and basically begged for Sirius to reconsider. Lily hadn't completely mastered how to pretend she didn't feel anything for him, so he caught longing looks from her sometimes. 

But. You know. Things were mostly okay. He'd been pretending to be fine for so long that he barely noticed the difference. 

James sent him a letter on Saturday as he was sat on the couch, wondering if he should go out tonight-- he'd been with a couple people since Lily, but it hadn't been the same; in a twisted way, Lily had felt like _his_ in a way no one else had, and he probably should've realised that far sooner and put a stop to it. 

_Hey,_ the letter started, _can I stay with you tonight? Lily was wanting to bring someone home, so I figured I'd clear out._ He didn't bother to sign his name since Sirius knew his handwriting. Sirius sent back a response that he could stay if he brought food. If he wasn't going out later, then he wasn't going to find the energy to cook. 

When James showed up a few hours later, he had a bag of food in hand, but it wasn't takeaway. 

"Aww, are you cooking for me?" Sirius teased. 

"That was the plan. Unless you've suddenly developed a distaste for red curry?" 

"Don't be stupid. Mm, curry. That's the best thing I've heard all day." 

"I aim to please," James said with a grin, moving towards the kitchen. 

Sirius got up to follow along and keep him company. "So how's everything?" 

"Good, unless you know something I don't." 

Sirius snorted. "No, I'm sure it's fine. But also, is that still true if I say that I meant between you and Lily?" He didn't really know how they were since everything happened. James and Lily had kept him decently updated, but he hadn't asked. 

"Eh," James said with a shrug as he started unloading the food. "I think so? The whole arrangement is working for us, I think." 

"If it's working, then why are you not sure?" 

"The arrangement itself is fine. I think we found a set-up that lets both of us be happy, but I'm not sure I'd call it 'good' yet. Lily said that she's been having some trouble finding someone she's compatible with, and it doesn't help that she's not just looking for sex. I think, with you, it was a lot easier for her, y'know? She already trusted you, and you already cared about each other." 

"Yeah, but this is going to be the same as any other time you're trying to start a relationship. It's not easy." 

"I know. And she knows," he added. "But imagine thinking that you're done looking for the rest of your life, and then there you are at square one again." 

"I wouldn't call it square one. She's still married to you." 

"She's simultaneously at square one with someone new and square, like, fifteen with me." 

"She'll figure it out," Sirius said. 

"I know. I just worry about her." 

"And that's something _I_ know. You want a beer?" 

James gave him a look. 

"Oh, duh." James never drank while he was cooking, never mind that beer was barely alcohol. 

"This just shows that you haven't been around enough lately." 

"I'm around all the bloody time," Sirius argued. 

"You could be around more." 

"I see." 

"What?" James asked. 

"This is phase two of you wanting me to move in with you." 

"Well." James thought about denying it, then shrugged-- there wouldn't have been any point when Sirius would be able to tell that he was lying. "Yeah. We've got the room." 

"You realise that you could stay there when Lily has plans with other people, right? You don't need to be filling the room with another person. It should be _your_ spare room so that you don't have to rely on me every time Lily has a date she wants to take home." 

"You say that like relying on you is something I want to stop doing." 

Sirius didn't have a good response to that, so he made a quip about James just wanting to outnumber Lily. 

James had made his stance on the whole situation with the three of them clear. After that first breakdown, he hadn't outright mentioned it again, but he'd dropped hints that the offer was still open. Sirius was glad that it hadn't been a spur of the moment offer for him, but it didn't make him any more likely to say yes. His reason for refusing was still true-- if James didn't already feel something for him, he couldn't risk it. 

Sirius didn't think that this night was going to be anything groundbreaking in his life. It was therefore very surprising when, after dinner, James put one hand on his hip, the other on the side of his face, and kissed him. 

He wasn't ashamed to admit that he kissed him back automatically. He knew exactly who it was that he was kissing, and there wasn't a moment of hesitation for him. James had planned this, the wanker. He made Sirius's favourite dish, waited until they were completely cleaned up from dinner, then kissed him when he was getting ready to ask if they were doing anything special for the rest of the night. He kissed him with intent, like holding onto him was the only thing he wanted to be doing in that moment. 

"This had better not be an experiment for you, James," Sirius whispered, his voice low like it was a secret between them. Their foreheads were resting together at a single point with plenty of space between their mouths now, and Sirius was looking down at the pattern of James's shirt. From his view, it looked like James's heart was trying to beat its way out of his chest. 

"I wouldn't do that to you," James whispered back. He hadn't moved either of his hands from their earlier placement. His thumb stroked Sirius's cheek. "You said that you couldn't be with Lily if you couldn't be with me too, but that's what I want now. It's not a guess anymore. I know what I want, and it's you. Both of you. It's what Lily still wants, and I'm really sodding hoping that you haven't changed your mind about us." 

"Right," Sirius said, licking his lips. He raised a hand and put it on the back of James's neck. "Because I spent all these years being in love with you just to change my mind when I finally get you. Not a chance in hell, mate." 

* * *

**Epilogue**

James knocked on the door, and when he didn't hear either of them telling him to bugger off, he poked his head in. "All clear?" 

Lily snorted but didn't move. She was way too worn out for that, and she was rather enjoying the way that Sirius was brushing his fingers through her hair. 

"Yes," Sirius answered since it didn't seem like Lily was going to. 

"Excellent," James said, stepping inside but leaning against the doorframe. From this distance, he got all of the beauty of them being naked and cuddling, but he was far enough away that he couldn't see any specific marks that might freak him out. A nice arrangement, if he did say so. "Does that mean I can join the cuddles?" 

"Please do." 

James beamed, then walked over and settled behind Sirius, throwing his arm over both of them. Lily held his hand, and he sighed in contentment. The balance hadn't been easy, but they'd made it. They'd actually done it. 


End file.
